ok, I think it's time for another grateful list. I'm supposed to be up in six hours and I can't sleep. I think I'm angry and resentful and fearful. So, before I explore or explain why, I am going to list things I'm grateful for:

money to pay my rent

long bike ride today

memoral day party

get to work with my teacher this summer

I have no STDS, and it's not possible for me to be pregnant (immaculate conception people!)

my apartment

my life can be different than my mom's

I can overcome

there is potential for me

God has good things for me

there is a reason why I am here

the special needs ministry

car care clinic

my asthma medicine

nice weather

my salvation

-God understands me and knows me, even though it seems I understand as much about him as the average person understands calculus

-even though N. can't see my potential for leadership, someone else can

-God sees everything and will punish those who do dirty, so I must make sure my dealings are right

God is a protector of those who need protection

God will help me when I go get this ticket taken care of tomorrow

my height

my singing voice

I recorded a CD!

God has a plan for my mom

God has my mom's wellbeing in mind

God will keep my mom safe

God will help my mom lose weight

God will help my mom work on her issues

God will help me work on my issues

God knows the plans he has for me, and they are to prosper, not to harm, to give me hope and a future.

God knows my exact emotional makeup

God knows what I need and is willing and able to provide it

God is in charge,even when I'm not surrendered to him

God knows exactly what is right for our nation and for the world

God sees the suffering of those who want

God sees the mourning, the poor in spirit, the obedient, the overlooked, the underpaid, and the unappreciated.

God, I have faith that you are working all things out for my good and the good of those around me. I ask forgiveness for not being surrendered to you. Help me to make you Lord, Master, everything. Help me to look to Jesus when I need emotional fulfillment, not to Angie, Candace, or any other female friend. Please fix whatever it is in me that won't allow me to be in a relationship with a guy. However, if it's not for me to be in arelationship with a guy, please help me to be content and to love life and how you created it. Forgive me for my anger, resentment, and ungratefulness towards N. Lord. I know you are working on her too, just like you work on all of us, and I know she is human and makes mistakes. Help me Lord to see her the way you see her and to not hate her or be resentful towards her. And Lord, help me to not be resentful whenever I see angie's gold nametag but to be proud of her for being in leadership. Help me to not be jealous or resentful of her, and help me not to judge her actions. In fact, I need forgiveness for that right now. Help me to forgive Angie for leaving me hanging on Sunday to watch Zach all day long. I know Lord that you wanted me to be there, and so I am grateful for the experience. help me to not have a sense of entitlement in this situation, but allow me to be used where you need me to be used. Please give us all the wisdom to work with Zach, to reach him, and so that he will know God. I know you have more for him then sitting in the library watching Vegetales...Lord, help everyone to meet their commitments, so that the job of watching Zach doesn't fall on just one person. Help me to have the strength to watch him. Help me to treat him right and to not be mean or resentful.

Help me to not be resentful of male female dating relationships. I know you have a plan for me in this, and so I will try to be content with whatever you have.

One simple kiss...

It's amazing how one simple kiss can turn a person's thought processes around. Earlier as I left you and I shared a brief kiss, as we always do. I ran back to grab another quick kiss, then I left. I spent time with another friend at Wendy's, went home, called my mom, and got in an inner turmoil, as I often do nowadays when dealing with my mom. I'm supposed to visit my mom tomorrow, and I want to visit my mom tomorrow as it has been a couple of weeks. But, I need some money and a few groceries, and I feel guilty for that. And, I heard Chris screaming at the dogs over the phone and I instantly felt panicked on the inside, and a sense of dread. He hasn't been in a pleasant mood the last few times I have visited. Mom says he's moody and that's just who he is, but I detect a real resentment because I moved out. Or maybe it's a guilty conscience. Maybe I feel guilty because I moved out, and I left my mom there in the health she is in, and I still need help. But, she made the choices to get herself there, and Chris made the choice to move in and stay there. He doesn't work or go to school, and he lives there for free. I had to get out. I was going crazy, having panic attacks, and it was having a serious effect on my life. Anyway, I have no responsibility to Chris. I have to remember that just because my mom says he's family doesn't mean he is to me. I feel guilty for saying and feeling that, but I think that's the only way I can get over it when he is angry or whenever I feel the tension in the air. And then my mom asked me if I could take my grandmother to Decoration, which is the first Sunday in June. I wouldn't have a problem taking her, except for a few reasons:

1. That's just ten days away.

2. I work Sunday evenings so I will need to ask off or call in.

3. It's a two hour drive, and you know how gas is.

4. I will need reimbursment for gas

5. I'm not even 100% sure if my grandmother wants to go, and I have a serious problem with rearranging my work schedule to take my grandmother to an event if she doesn't want to go or is sick and doesn't feel like it. And there is no guarantee that she will even feel well enough that day.

So yeah, needless to say I was pretty stressed over that phone call. Not the best way to end an evening. And then, I remember you, and the kisses we shared, and the number of times we have kissed in your car, and the times we have kissed goodnight while lying next to each other in your king sized bed, and I feel a sense of calm. I feel a sense of peace. There is nothing sexual, no demands, no nothing. I remember your scent, which is a combination of your laundry soap, perfume, shampoo and body lotion rolled into one, and my shoulders relax. I remember the deep contralto of your voice, made that way partly from genetics (and then partly from your former pack habit) and I feel tranquil.

You help me relax. You help me breathe. You help me in so many ways. I fear depending on this too much because it won't always be there, and I don't want to expect kisses and hugs when you may not always feel like giving those. And, I don't want to love you just because of your kisses and hugs, or because I can call you mama, even though I look nothing like you and I didn't meet you till age 26.. I want to love you because you Are. You exist. God created you, and because of that, you matter. I want my love for you to have no limits, to be pure, holy, and to strengthen you as it does me.

Thank you for the kisses, the hugs, the love, the being responsible and letting me be the younger one. Thank you!

I am at 48 percent on the mother of all packet tracers!! Yay! and I talked to the counselar here and I feel loads better.

My grateful list

the 48 percent
I can work here at my school in June
cheeseburgers
oatmeal
apples
church tonight
Angie's kisses

Why do I feel so guilty for moving out? I had to do it. It was driving me crazy to live there. I hate waiting on my mom hand and foot and being responsible for all the housework. I feel bad that Chris is doing it now but he chose that. Living there I was stressed out and angry all the time. I hated watching my mom kill herself through smoking, isolating herself, and poor eating habits.

My heart aches for my mom. My heart aches for the mom I used to have. I wish she made better choices. I wish she understood that I still love her. But I had to get out. I worry that I will make the same mistakes as Chris and be back to where I started, but, I have things going for me that Chris didn't have.

I feel like there's a sickness in my family, especially in my mom. I have to break this sickness. I have to get well and heal from the dysfunction. I look at the women in my life, from Angie and CAndace, to my instructor Mrs. Winn, and I realize they each have traits that I want to cultivate in myself. I still want to be me and be like me, but they are my role models. I wish my mom was my role model.

relief

I say relief because I got an 85 on my a+ final and a 90 on my chapter 7 test. I was stressing about those last night, and I didn't get home from work until almost 10:30 so I didn't have much time to go over those.

I am pleased that I worked almost 11 hours yesterday. That means I got 18 hours this past weekend. I will have more money to pay my bills and do other stuff. That feels good to me to be semi-self sufficient. My goal is to get to the point to where I don't need my mom's help for anything. My feet are really sore, and my back and legs were really sore earlier. I need to get ankle braces or something to keep my ankles and feet stable. I can't afford motion control shoes and even if I could I can't find any that are black and non slip. Maybe there's some non slip things I can put on the soles?

I felt sad earlier today. My mom texted me earlier today and told me that she wished I was coming to Bristow to help her run errands since she can barely walk. I felt bad. I felt like a bad daughter. But the thing is, she needs to walk. She needs to exercise. She needs to get out and be around people again. I feel like I'm not doing her any favors by doing that. I feel bad for her, but at the same time I feel like it's her fault for letting herself get so heavy.

I do not like cops and if this offends you, I'm not sorry

I understand they are important and all. But it seems as if the really important stuff gets overlooked. I was driving on the hwy a month ago. I wasn't speeding, I was driving carefully and totally keeping my nose clean. Some cop pulled me over

A few hours later...

It's amazing what a little sleep deprivation coupled with stress over a ticket can do. My friend and I talked briefly today and everything's okay. She got my mother's day poem and said it was really sweet. She is going to keep it in her hope chest (at least I think that's what it is).

I went and played 2 rounds of DDR. I did okay. The slowest of my songs was 65 bpm and I did one that was 300 bpm. I think I am slowly getting my stamina back. I'd like to eventually be able to do 8's and 9's. Right now I can do 2 7's (Bag, and a hit song by Boys II Men). I like the hit song by boys II men because it's slow but there's a lot of really fast steps in it. I think that will help me build up my skill. After the DDR I went to cold stone and got some butter pecan icecream with butterfinger mixed in. Not really worth 4 dollars for a scoop (seeing as how you can get two scoops at Braums for half that), but it was good nonetheless. I still prefer Braum's though.

I think all in all it's been a good day. I know I let Satan get the best of me earlier with those bad thoughts in my head, and by letting my happiness and joy depend on others instead of God. But, I finished my last chapter 7 packet tracer (and got help from J. the lab assistant that I have such a huge crush on), I had some good convos with my teacher, and I got my chapter 7 quiz in. I'm going to get a shower in, start on my chapter 8 stuff, and then head to bed. My goal: be in and under the covers by 11:30. I'm really nervous about going to see about my ticket tomorrow, but God is in control. Another thing, we were given practice finals for A+ and Cisco today and I can't find either of them. Please pray for me about that. I texted my teacher at 8:30 and let her know what was going on.

I just cried for you.

I wish I didn't feel so far away from you right now. We used to text everyday. Now we don't. I feel like you are mad at me or you want to distance yourself from me. I feel like if I weren't a part of the special needs ministry or Celebrate recovery that you wouldn't even talk to me. I just want to see you for a few minutes and hug and kiss you. that's enough for me. I feel like you convinced me to move out of my mother's house and then you deserted me. We were closer when I lived in Bristow. I feel afraid to call you because I'm afraid I'm bothering you. I can't even concentrate on my school work today. I'm sorry I looked at the bad stuff on my computer. Maybe u are mad at me because of that? I wish you would text me back. But I know you won't. you are done with me, I can see it. I hate that I need constant reminders of your love and affection. I hate that about myself. I hate myself. I wish I were dead or that this life would end or something. I hate the demons in my head.

Stress

I am experiencing a lot of anxiety and stress today. I don't want to go into it on here but it has to do with insurance, and the state of one of my friendships. I constantly stress over something. I wish adulthood was easier.... I wish friendships were easier for me, and I wish I didn't need people. Some aspies need no one. I wish I were like that, then my life would be simpler. Sure I might feel lonelier, but, I wouldn't have to agonize if I am doing something right, or if I'm driving this person away.

Sometimes I wish I could jump into a tunnel and just teleport to a self-made universe.....A place where everything is easy for me and I don't get stressed out. Where sounds aren't loud, everything is the same and straight forward, and where I didn't need my mom to pay my car insurance. She will only pay it under certain terms and it is exactly that which has me stressing....

The power of a few smiles and laughs

It's amazing how a few smiles and laughs can change one's outlook on life. A few hours ago I was really depressed and anxious and wanted to die. Now I feel loads better. A few laughs and smiles really did the trick. I think it's also helpful to get out one's grateful list.

8things:
it's chicken day!
2 dollar chicken at school (normally it's 2.75)
I'm doing well in class
BBQ sauce and how tasty it is
I get to go to the opera tonight with friends
my apartment
got to spend time with family last night
my aunt's cooking

I still feel depressed today but not as bad as I did yesterday. I made some good choices yesterday and I feel better about that. I rode my landlord's bike two miles yesterday. It felt very invigorating and for a few minutes I forgot who I was. That was nice. I tithed, got some money back at purple glaze, and I got to eat dinner at my aunt's and uncle's house. It was fun playing dominoes and catching up.

I think I have a case of approval addiction. I have to be okay with everyone all the time and I have to be liked by everyone. How I feel about myself is determined how others feel about me. I hate that. I wish I didn't care. I could live with so much more freedom if I just didn't give a crap. I wish I had a thicker skin. There are some things I like about my teacher, but I feel like there are some things that I know that she will never know. Of course, I would never tell her that because people don't want to know how much you know, but how much you care. Plus, it's never nice to tell someone older than you that you think their mindset is wrong, even if it is. I wish she understood that sometimes every second is a struggle for me. Like this morning, when everything was so loud and I felt my skin crawling. Some people's voices are like a boom box.....

I wish

I wish I didn't give a damn about other people's thoughts, feelings or opinions of me. I do too much based on how I think other people feel and when other people treat me bad it crushes me. If I detect for a minute that someone is talking down to me I get really angry and want to hurt them. Why am I so sensitive?

I've wanted to die since age 10. I think it was around that time when I first realized I was different and didn't fit in. I was the girl who liked snakes, who spoke in big words, who was a foot taller than everyone else, and who seemed to always make social mistakes everywhere I go.

If a person really knew how I felt, or who I was, would they like me? Do people see the constant struggle I have everyday to not want to die? Man, there are days, and thankfully they seem to be fewer, but there are days where if I knew it wasn't wrong, if I knew I'd be successful and if I didn't have people who loved me, well, you know. There'd be a funeral for me and I'd be in a big black casket with red flowers, or a big red casket with white flowers. There'd be music playing and a slideshow and people would hear a sermon condenscing my 27 years into 2.7 minutes.....

I'm sure people would say I was smart. That seems to be the number one thing. Everyone calls me brainiac. It's a complement. But there are many days when all I feel is a million flavors of dumb. And there are days when I want to be more than smart. Like beautiful. And no, I don't mean beautiful on the inside. I mean on the outside, the kind that captures people. The kind that the cheerleaders at my school had, with the perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect body. Perfect charisma. But the adult in me knows what the teenager didn't: that those girls have their own sets of problems, and that being exceedingly beautiful on the outside can limit what people see on the inside. It seems as if people want to stop there and not go deeper.

A part of me feels like I will always be depressed until I get to heaven and become renewed. Then I will have a perfect body and mind. I won't have anymore weird social issues nor will I have weird interests. I will be like everyone else....