Found a place to rent!

There is someone close to campus who has a studio apartment for rent! I decided to rent it! I feel really sad all of a sudden though and kind of guilty........I hope I am doing the right thing? What if my mom needs me? what if I get sick? I have all these emotions going through my head but I know I am doing the right thing. There isn't really a place to do laundry but I can go to the laundromat or something, or even do laundry at a person's house. God this is really a gut wrenching feeling in a way, but I don't plan on staying away 24-7. And I'm gone so much that I really need a place here.....

another day

Yesterday my sponsor said something encouraging, that I had grown so much in the last year. She said that people could see my growth and that they come up to her and talk to her about it. What exactly constitutes growth? I'm not fishing for complements, but I sometimes wonder if my perceived growth really isn't other people changing and growing and allowing their hearts to accomidate one more person.

Then I think back to last year and how erratic I acted when a so-called friend of mine took off with my car, stayed gone for an hour and a half, and then proceeded to tell me the biggest whopper in the world reguarding the disappearance of the 40 dollars in my purse. I think about how I didn't tithe, spent my money recklessly, kept my room in a mess. I didn't do a quiet time. I tried to do everything in my own strength. I still carried a lot of anger over my dad and what happened in Americorps.

I also think back to when I smoked. I didn't smoke my first cigarette until age 23, and I really didn't start smoking full time until Americorps, and then I smoked for a year and a half after that. Last March when I went on a spring break trip with Sadelina was my first big break from cigarettes. I went 9 days without one, and since then have been cutting down. I think it's been a couple months since my last cigarette. I still have urges to smoke, especially watching everyone around me. One thing that helps me stay away from cigarettes is singing. I got back into the oratorio last may and have spent a full season back in. I sing soprano I, and I need every inch of my voice to hit those pesky high notes.

I can honestly say that I feel better about myself. I dress better, I wear makeup more often. I'm eating better, and exploring new ways of exercise and stretching. I try to have some sort of a quiet time with God everyday. I don't gratify myself as often as I used to, and I give myself grace when those urges come. I don't feel same sex urges so much anymore. I think that's because I've got a close friend who gives me a lot of mothering and affection that I need. It doesn't feel gay with her, but because of my relationship with her, I don't seek mothering from everyone else anymore.

I can see my growth, and I am excited for everything else God wants to do in me. I will not let anyone else make me feel inferior, small or gay.