Peeling back the onion

Perhaps this issue has been staring me in the face, but I struggle with emotional dependency. I view another person's love and affirmation as pivotal in my security, my sense of self, and my life. I need to stop this. This isn't the right way to live. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like dying when Angie and I don't talk? Why do I feel like the world is going to end when I don't get that hug, that affirmation, that thing I need? Why do I stay away from women that I can't emotionally connect to? What is the root issue? I recognize patterns like this in my life....Throughout my school years I have always had one female best friend that I connected to the whole year. I really didn't have other friends besides that person.

I feel like the other women and men at CR and church avoid me for this reason....

I am glad I have something to work on for this step study. I just wish this issue was something that went away quickly. But it doesn't. This is probably a lifelong issue for me. Am I always going to feel the hurt from my mom and grandmas? Am I always going to feel like something is missing? How do people get that unmet need from Jesus? You can't see him. He doesn't talk audibly. He speaks really subtlely.

I've decided to quit McDonalds and go to work at the golf course grill. There's a lot of people there who I don't get along with, and I don't like the sexually harrassing things my manager says to me. Plus, I need a change of scenery, and I need to get home earlier than I have been. I may have to forego morning church attendance in the fall, but my church has some stuff in the evening. I just need to get out of there.

I've also become more sensitive to homophobia. I really hate words like faggot. I'm sorry, but unless one has struggled with those feelings of being attracted to the same sex, you have NO idea what it's like. As a person who has struggled, and continues to struggle, it is not a choice! Maybe it's a choice to do things, but I definately didn't wake up and say I wanted to be attracted to women. Everyday I have to fight my tendencies, and it gets rough! I doubt I will ever be able to have a relationship with a guy like other girls, but I will die trying! There's just an emotional component that I can't experience with guys. I cannot look to a guy for my emotional fulfillment. Kissing and touching and cuddling feels mechanical. It always has. But my feelings for women are warm, flowing......I can't explain it. I wish I could have a life partner who I could really feel comfortable with. I hope these pesky same-sex feelings go away.

But meanwhile, I hope homophobia goes away too. I think religion does more harm than good in some ways, because it makes people feel superior. We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We all have a blot on ourselves that needs to be erased. I don't know why people think it's okay to hate others, to say bad things about others, and to assert their superiority. No one is superior to anyone else.

Feelings hurt

I've realized when my feelings get hurt or whenever I feel rejected I get really angry on the inside and I adopt an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. I just went to a recruitment meeting for BPA and had to listen to people talk about their great experience in BPA, while the other students in the