At this point I've been married for over a year and have been working in the IT field for over a year. Things are okay but hard sometimes. I just switched to night shift a few weeks ago which has caused Thomas and I to have to be creative about when we spend time together.

In my need for constant self-improvement, and a big need to lost weight I have started on the daniel plan.

It emphasises five areas: food, focus, faith, friends and fitness. This first entry regarding that is about where I am in those five areas.

Even though I am now less than 15 pounds shy of 300, I don't think my issue is food or fitness. I think the issue runs deeper. I think my issues are with faith and/or focus. And my thing with faith is that I am angry with God, and a part of me doesn't want a relationship with him, at least not one that others have.

My life has changed a lot over the past four years. People that just met me over the past year have no idea. I know that God is with me throughout all those changes, and I know he probably used things to play his plan out. I don't know where God has been in all those changes. Did he want me to continue living with my mom? Did he not want me to marry? Did he not want me to be in the IT field? Did I lose God because I had sex before marriage and didn't really feel guilty? I don't know and that bothers me.

After I had sex with Thomas (which happened five months before our wedding day and set a laundry list of things in motion) my heart opened up to receive love from him. A lot of the issues I had with SSA were gone because now I could actually love Thomas without all those emotional barriers in the way. If I hadn't had sex with Thomas I might not have married him, sad to say.

My main thing with faith is that I need to figure out where God was in all the changes in my life over the past four years. Did I do it? Or was it God? Did God want me to?

I also need to buckle down and have a relationship with God.

I went through Pathways in 2012, and I forgot to mention that above. That experience changed my life for the better. It helped me figure out more about myself and helped me break through barriers. They emphasise taking responsibility, and creating the life that a person wants for themselves. I learned from Pathways that I need to create an action plan. It's what I thrive by. I also need to set goals that are easily attainable. I may not be able to go to the gym four times, but I can go twice.

My action plan for faith is the following:

Email Rick Warren about that booklet he wrote, and have him send one for me and one for Thomas (he's doing the daniel plan as well!)

Spend ten minutes everyday in prayer and in reading the bible (I will probably start with Proverbs and Psalms.)

Pray for God to show me where he was in all the changes in my life over the past few years, pray he shows me what creating a life for myself means, pray that he helps me resolve my anger, and pray that I learn how to live for myself without leaving God out. Before Pathways I lived for others approval. Also, pray for a changed heart.

My action plan for fitness:

Work out cardio-wise for 20 minutes a day at least two times this week. The best times for me are right after work. I can go to the gym, go to the gym at my work, or work out here.

Do weight lifiting at least twice by next Sunday

Action plan for food:
Have only 12 oz of pop a day
ditch energy drinks,
drink only coffee and water
spend only 10 dollars this week on fast food
Keep a food diary

Action plan for friends

See if the ladies have facebook or want to do something different with social media
at least twice this week communicate with ladies in my group
hang out with at least one other friend

Action plan for focus:
Start my grateful list
Do a sticker chart

I need sleep and to get over this bronchitis. I feel better overall, but really tired too. Part of it is now I wait for bed until Thomas gets home and then we end up being together or talking into the night and then I end up getting to bed much later than I should. I'm thinking about going downstairs to that little room near the teacher's lounge and taking a nap. I'm glad Tulsa Tech has that room.

In other news, I'm getting married exactly two months from today! Excited and nervous are the best words to describe my emotions. And right now, tired.......

I really want to start posting on here more regularly. And, I need to update some stuff on my profile. It's amazing how much has changed in my life over the past year. I've gone from being anti-marriage to can't wait to be married. I used to care so much about what others thought. Now I don't care so much anymore. I'm living for me. However, in the process, I need to figure out how that translates into living for God. I know one thing. I will not live my life for the approval of other women in my church anymore. Because really, they are not my friends. They are my aquaintances. They hardly ever call me or text me. In fact, I have to do most of the work. And, that is fine, but, I'm not going to worry if one of my decisions displeases any of them anymore. I do what's easiest for me, and what's right for me. 

In other news, I've been sick for 3 weeks straight. What started as a sore throat has turned into bronchitis and I feel like an elephant is on my chest. It makes it hard to think, get stuff done, be at a heart level, or do anything pathways related. Not to mention start packing my stuff to move. Hopefully these antibiotics will start packing a punch soon.

Otherwise I'm doing okay. I really like who I am at this time in my life. I'm getting married in 2 months and 4 days. So hard to believe!

My life has changed dramatically since my last post. Where should I start?

Well for starters, I got my CCNA on March 30th. I got an 881, and I finished the test in 40 minutes, no small thanks in part because of those HOW2Pass exams I took. I ended up rescheduling it twice. Once because I didn't feel ready and once because I was sick as a dog.

I'm still living in my apartment and working at the grill. My work study job at Tulsa Tech ended at the end of the previous school year. I miss the extra money, but I don't miss the work. It got kinda boring, and it got to where I didn't like working with Mrs. Winn.

I'm in a new class this year, Network Systems Administration. It's a lot different from CCNP. Mr Simmons is a much better teacher. I like Mr. Griffin, but, he pretty much left us to our own devices last year. True, I had enough time to study and re study so I could pass my CCNA, but other than that I didn't do much. In NSA I am learning loads. However, Mr Simmons is way stricter on attendance. If you are late you get penalized. Because of that, it dropped one of my grades down to a B. And, I had to miss two days of school earlier this week because of illness. NOT GOOD!

I'm going to be spending the next few weeks doing a lot of makeup time so that I can be at 90 percent attendance.

Thomas and I are engaged. More on that later.

I'm sick

I'm sick, and it's a week before my CCNA exam! EEEEEKKK! I got sick just a few weeks ago and was out for a whole week. Now I am armed with antibiotics and hoping and praying that I will feel well enough to at least go to church tomorrow and go to school and work the next day.

I am now seeing a guy named Thomas. We've been together a little over six months. He's cool. I'm

happy. Except I'm a little worried about how pleasing our relationship is to God. And, I'm not sure if I want to marry anyone.

Crap that annoys me

Ok, I am really really freaking annoyed. As a liberal in a state full of conservatives I feel out of sorts sometimes. I don't use my religion as an excuse for everything, and I am aware that there are different situatio

Peeling back the onion

Perhaps this issue has been staring me in the face, but I struggle with emotional dependency. I view another person's love and affirmation as pivotal in my security, my sense of self, and my life. I need to stop this. This isn't the right way to live. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like dying when Angie and I don't talk? Why do I feel like the world is going to end when I don't get that hug, that affirmation, that thing I need? Why do I stay away from women that I can't emotionally connect to? What is the root issue? I recognize patterns like this in my life....Throughout my school years I have always had one female best friend that I connected to the whole year. I really didn't have other friends besides that person.

I feel like the other women and men at CR and church avoid me for this reason....

I am glad I have something to work on for this step study. I just wish this issue was something that went away quickly. But it doesn't. This is probably a lifelong issue for me. Am I always going to feel the hurt from my mom and grandmas? Am I always going to feel like something is missing? How do people get that unmet need from Jesus? You can't see him. He doesn't talk audibly. He speaks really subtlely.