Waiting

It's the third day of school and I think everything is going well. I like Griff, I'm next door to Mrs. Winn, and a lot of the same people that were here last year are still here this year. I was afraid that so much would change. It cheers me to see that not as much as changed.

However, something has shifted in me, and that's my reasons for waiting. It really bothers me that so many Christians talk about wanting a biblical marriage, when really, most of the marriages in the bible are polygamous (sp?). It talks about sexual immorality, and it mentions adultery, but after some biblical research, I think that the definition of fornication is skewed. Also, when talking about waiting for marriage, I don't think God intended people to wait for sex until their late 20's. There is a reason why most of us are capable of reproduction by age 15. And, I don't think it has a lick to do with God wanting us to exercise self-control, as some of my more conservative friends want to believe.

Anyway, I really want to have sex. I'm sure most people in my situation do. However, I'm not just trying to find loopholes in the whole waiting for marriage argument. I want to find an honest reason as to why people want to wait and use the bible for an argument, and what would happen if I didn't wait. How would I change on the inside? I think also, I've experienced so much of sex, that really, my virginity is nothing more than a technicality. I don't want to get too graphic here, but really, how would sex be different than anything I've already done or currently do?

But, I've been abstaining mostly because I've been afraid of what would happen if I had sex, and I'm also afraid of losing the love of people close to me. I want people to love me and care for me, and I'm afraid I would be cast out if I had sex. I'm also afraid that I would become a drastically different person, or that suddenly I would want to sleep with everyone (wait, I already want to do that).

I feel guilty because a part of me is okay with having sex with no real love connection. I know sex has a huge emotional and spiritual component, and I want to exercise prudence with that. But, as a female with Asperger's Syndrome I feel that I'm disconnected from my emotions. Would i feel a thing? I don't know..

End of Sumner Update

Well my first summer in my new place has gone by without too many mishaps, and I start school in three weeks. I am feeling somewhat stressed today and I can't put my finger on it. I think I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with life, and I feel like my life is about to get busier. I like being busy, but I need to manage my time better and get to bed earlier.

I've been worried about the whole debt ceiling thing, and it angers me that politicians want to cut from our most vulnerable citizens, yet extend tax breaks to rich assholes who don't need it. This has put me at odds with some people in my church, at least internally. I am, by definition, a liberal. I wish this war would stop and our country's money would go where it needs to go. I feel we had no business getting into a war like this, and in my opinion, other than Bin Laden and Hussein, we have made no progress other than killing off 4000 of our young people and plunging our country into a debt so deep we may never get out. I feel like Republican politicans, by nature, don't care about the common working man but instead want the bottom 90 percent to pay. Yes, the top 2 percent of income earners pay 38 percent in federal income taxes, but, all the other taxes are paid by the bottom 90 percent, and many of the rich pay no taxes at all. When they get back all their money from the tax loopholes, it just about evens out for them.

I am not against wealth, but I am against wealth when it's at someone else's expense. I guess I'm a little bit of a communist or socialist because it bothers me that there are some people who live in yachts bigger than all the places I've lived in put together and then there are people who work every day and still are poor. Yes, there are people who abuse the system, but many people don't. I wish everyone could be poor for a week.

I worry for my future. I worry there will be no jobs when I get done with school and I will be screwed again. 8.00 an hour is not a living, sustainable wage. I know I shouldn't fear, I know that God takes care of his people. But, sometimes I doubt my faith in God. I know he exists, and I know he loves me, but there are times I can't hear him.

I don't want to be like those other Christians who are bible thumping and who exert their superiority around "sinners" but who don't really care about those who really need it. I want to be a person who truly loves, cares and puts others first. I want to be inclusive and open.

And honestly, I think we are all in for a big surprise. I don't think the end of the world is going to happen anything like we think it will.

End of Sumner Update