stuff

Learning Binary, want to learn octal and hexadecimal. Going to download Visual Basic for free.
I'm excited. Class is going better today. I'm going to talk to a person named Deb about possible job oppurtunities. I've decided that I want something part time maybe 20 to 25 hours a week. I know that will work with my schedule and allow me to do the things I want to do. I just want some spending money for gas and to buy the things I need to buy, while also allowing me to save money for an apartment. Still waiting to hear back from Voc Rehab

disrespect

I wonder if a lot of people with Asperger's syndrome and other disabilities feel a lot of disrespect coming from their peers. It's that feeling that because I'm not like that other person that I'm not as good as them or worth as much. I get that feeling a lot from the guys in my class. I feel like a lot of them have a problem with me being in there. It's not my fault I have aspergers syndrome. I am coping with life the best that I can. I think that's why I have a problem with any religion that says there is only one way to be. All my life I have gotten the message that there's only one way to be, and since I'm not that way then I'm not as good. I hate having to conform to the NT standard of living when I'm not NT. I am autistic. Get used to it. To me, telling people that they have to accept Christ or go to hell is like telling a person that if they are autistic, then they need to act more NT because as an autistic, they are second rate. A part of me wonders if I should tell the guys I have aspergers syndrome, but Ms. Winn says I shouldn't. A part of me feels they wouldn't understand and would just feel I'm trying to illicit sympathy from them.

There's this one high school guy named S that's a little jerk. The Christian in me says pray for him. The bad mean girl in me says teach him a lesson he won't forget. He's so rude and condescending to me. And this other guy whos an adult. The first day I thought he was okay since I looked at his computer. But he is condescending and rude too.

Song of Myself

My song today is in the key of C# minor and involves pink yellow and brown. It has a slow melodic way about it in 4/4 time. I'm feeling really insecure, dumb and overloaded. I worry my classmates don't like me. I also worry that Chris and I haven't talked for a week and a half. Does he still like me? I don't want to send him too many messages because I don't want to smother him, but I have grown quite fond of him and I need him now. I need to know he still likes me and wants to be my boyfriend.

I got really overloaded and overwhelmed with information today and forgot everything. Man, I feel stupid....

Heavy Heart

I am feeling a lot of hurt and insecurity today. My mom and I had a fight yesterday and she said some really mean things to me. I know she did it out of fear and anger. I know at 26 I'm still not as mature as other 26 year olds and I still make dumb choices. But, I am learning, growing and kind of playing catch up. I know I'm not "dumber than green corn shit" like my mom said. And I know that she probably didn't mean it. But it still hurts and cuts me to the core. I know I've said hurtful things to her before, but I've never said anything like this. She said it out of anger and so maliciously. I am trying to recover emotionally and it's hard, real hard. I feel really withdrawn today and like my classmates hate me or think I'm weird. I also feel bad because I forgot my medication today. I need to remember to take it, somehow incorporate it into my school routine....

I love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away......

After six years out of the classroom working menial jobs for minimum wage, da ta dum.......I start school tomorrow! Yay! I will be going to Tulsa Tech and taking CISCO networking. I thought this day would never arrive. I'm nervous and excited. I'm also worried about gas money. It seems like the four or five days before payday are always the tightest. I am hoping I get a job soon. Applying for more places, and I have to go to walmart tomorrow and talk to Lois. It turns out that 81st and Lewis didn't do what they were supposed to do and so I am still registered as being employed with walmart. I'm hoping maybe a transfer will come my way. Glenpool and Sapulpa are the closest to my school and the second closest to my home....

Another Stinky Award

Dr. Laura gives out what she calls the stinky awards to organizations and people that she feels are against the best interest of families. I have a few stinky awards I want to give out as well. One of them is to the football players of glen ridge high school that raped and sodomized a 17 year old mentally impaired girl in 1988 and 1. said that she wanted and asked for it and 2. barely got punished for the crime. I also want to give another stinky award to the townspeople, pastors and coaches who supported these monsters and refused to believe this young woman. I caught the tail end of the movie Outrage in Glen Ridge and was appalled.

I don't care what people think, a person with an IQ of 62 cannot, I repeat, cannot, give consent. This girl didn't even really know what was happening to her. She had the intelligence of an 8 year old. She had known these boys her whole life and thought they were her friends. They did horrible things to her, and most of them got off scot free. I think a couple had to serve a few years in prison. None of them had to register as sex offenders or anything. This angers me. In my opinion, these monsters need to spend the rest of their lives in prison, after they are castrated without anesthesia.

Do we have a law to protect the mentally disabled (I am including those who are mentally retarted and who struggle with mental illness in the same group for simplicity sake)? I know that we have a law to protect children and teenagers. An 18 year old can go to jail for having sex with a 15 year old, even if the 15 year old asked for it. My 21 year old cousin is in prison on rape charges because he had sex with a 15 year old girl when he was 19. This girl flung herself at my cousin and pursued him like a mad dog in heat. And, like the idiot he was, he had sex with her. The girl's mom turned my cousin in, and now he's taking the heat for it. He will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life once he serves his time. Now, I'm not saying what my cousin did was right at all. He needs to have the crap beat out of him for being so stupid. But if my cousin had said in his trial "that slut wanted it. She begged for it", the judge would have laughed in his face. But that's what these hooligans fron Glen Ridge said. She wanted it, she begged for it? She was also mentally disabled with the intelligence of a second grader. It doesn't matter if she wanted it or not. She was impaired, and therefore couldn't give consent.

Yucky ucky

I am proud of myself for going out and running when I had certain things come up. I feel much better about myself for not giving into mediocrity. I've also done the dishes and cleaned the crockpot for mom, and I've also made headway on cleaning my room. I've also only drank one 20 ounce pop today, although I did eat some chocolate donuts.

However, I've felt totally yucky since about 4 PM. I have had a lot of sinus drainage, which has made my throat totally sore. I've also had a lot of lethargy, muscle soreness, and a sore neck. I've been taking it easy (sort of) and I took a two hour nap earlier. Hope I feel better tomorrow. I've gotta do some paperwork and accompany my mom to her appointment.

Scrabble, wheel barings and the word smart

I love playing scrabble on the online server. In fact, I play it several times a day. Most of the games I play are short, under 15 minutes, or 8 minutes for each player. I usually play void, which means the system will not let me play a word that isn't valid. This is a good arrangement for me because I like discovering new words. My rating is currently in the low 400's, partly because my anagramming skills aren't that good. I have a lot of trouble finding bingoes, plays where I can play all 7 of my letter tiles (a 50 point bonus is added when a player does this). I have most of the two letter words memorized, and I'm learning the 3 letter words of the higher point tiles (z,q,x,j,k). Today I found some new words by either playing or watching the higher ranked players play: hongied, cadger, mib, roperies, chert, unvarying and bonito. I also found out Josh is a word. Seems like a lot of words beginning with J are people's names : Jack, Jenny, John, Jinni, Jin, Jimmy, Joe, Jo, and now, Josh. Interesting, huh? more interesting words with J in them are Raj, Raja, Rajas, Taj, Tajes, Haj, Djin, Djins, and Djinns

I had an opportunity to do wrong last night and I didn't do it, praise God. I might have handled it differently though. When I am on the scrabble server, I am there to either play or watch. I don't go on there too chat or cyber (although occasionally I do end up chatting, especially with the higher ranked players who can offer me a few good tips to improve my game). Last night this player started chatting with me and he asked me some unsavory questions. Instead of answering his questions, I kept saying I don't want to talk about it, and when the game was over (it was a short game) I blocked and reported him. I am proud of myself for being uncomfortable with what happened, and for saying no. I felt very uncomfortable about what was going on, and probably should have ended the game right then, but I knew I would lose about 20 points if I did, and it was a short game.

I have the opportunity to purchase some study material to help me with my game. I will have to wait until I get more money, but I am excited. It will help me with my anagramming skills and help me move up in the ranks. Btw, if anyone wants to play on the online scrable server, go to www.isc.ro and download the wordbiz app to your computer. My screen name is zyzzyvas7 if you want to play with me.

Last night I went to the last Riverwalk concert of the summer and sat with my friends and my friend's pitbull mix. Basically, this dog looks like a larger-sized pitbull. But, he's so sweet! He loves people and children. My friend will stand over him when kids come by to ensure that nothing happens, but he's very gentle with kids. He loves everyone. It's a shame that idiot legislators are trying to eradicate pit bulls, when they are such an awesome breed. Pit Bulls are very obedient and protective of their masters, which is their downfall. It's the mean, greedy and worthless dogfighters that need to be put to sleep (Michael Vicks), only they need to be gassed to death and tortured while going under. (Sorry, normally I try to be nice to everyone but I strongly despise anyone who is cruel to animals and that's what dogfighting is. If this offends you, let me know).

Anyway, at the Riverwalk I was talking to my friends and I found out that one of them can help me fix my car! The other one also paid for my coke. My car has horrible tire issues and this particular friend has worked on a lot of stuff. So pleased! I think this friend will even show me how to do it! This is such a blessing because I start school next week and will need to drive my car back and forth until I find a place to live. Might take awhile. Being blessed so much makes me want to be more of a blessing to others.

I have discovered that I hate it when people tell me I'm smart. Not because I hate receiving compliments, but because I feel like most people don't mean it. And, I don't really feel I'm that smart. I'm smart in certain things, yes. but, so is everyone else. There is nothing extraordinary about me, and I feel that most people who tell me I'm smart are really trying to tell me to go away and they feel if they tell me I'm smart then maybe they will have given me what I've wanted and then I'll leave them alone. Instead of telling me I'm smart. why not put in a good word for me somewhere that will help me with something? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate compliments, especially if they are sincere, but I wish people would cut the flattery.

new week

it's a new week and I want to make the most of it by reading my bible at least 3 days this week. Reading the bible has always been an overwhelming task for me because there's so much to it and when I'm reading one thing I feel I should read another. I think my time in the word will be best spent memorizing psalms. I had a goal one year to memorize all 150 and I think I managed 6. I doubt my brain could handle all 150 psalms, but, I know God can make it happen. I wish brains were like computers and that I could just stick a big ram stick in mine, or a big external harddrive.

Pray that people will see me as capable of handling more responsibilities, and if they don't that they will inform me of what I need to work on. I feel that most people like me but they see me as inept. I don't get asked to lead worship, I've been pushed out of other avenues, and it's getting quite disconcerting. I am being given the responsibility of birthdays for the teenage group. This will be fun. I am glad my gift with numbers will finally take me somewhere. But eventually I want to lead a small group. I am proud of myself today for how I did in our ministry team meeting. We got into groups of 5 or 6 and practiced having a small group. Each guideline was practiced, both in breaking it and enforcing it. I think I did a good job enforcing it. I took the cross talk one. I'm hoping a certain someone will put in a good word for me regarding how I did.

All the guidelines are valuable to me and I am grateful for them, both for giving me a safe place to share friday night, and for giving me people skills. I use the guidelines in many settings with other people and it helps me get along with them by appearing sensitive to their needs without fixing them. However, I think the two group guidelines that are the most valuable to me are the no cross talk, and the 3-5 minute rule.


The no cross talk one I like the most because it allows me and others to share uninterrupted. I can get my stuff out without being shot down and I can listen to what someone else has to say and get the whole of what they're saying. I believe it also helps prevent rabbit trails. I've been in support groups where there was no rule against cross talk and sharing was very difficult. Tangents were common and I would go to these support groups wondering if I could share what I needed to share without angering someone.

Here's to the next five years

I got my five year chip tonight! Five years ago (actually five years ago next Thursday), I started my recovery journey. I haven't stayed clean the entire time,but I have made strides in my commitment to living a righteous and God-pleasing lifestyle. I have discovered many things about myself, including much insanity in my life. I have made many friends who have been an asset to me on my journey.

I pray that God will be with me as I continue my journey. I still have a part of my insanity that I need to relinquish. I have been hesitant because it's sometimes hard to trust that God will meet my needs. But I know he will, and when I can't, HE can.

temptation

I overcame temptation tonight by the grace of God. I don't want to elaborate too much here, but anyone who knows me well enough can deduce what I'm talking about.

School, School, School

I start school in 13 days!! After six years out, I am going back, I am nervous because I don't have a job or housing yet, but I am trusting God to lead me to the right place. I'm excited to be taking CISCO networking and getting into the IT field. I just hope it doesn't tank anytime soon.
I am so tired of working minimum wage jobs, but I feel that working minimum wage has helped me develop an appreciation for having an education. I am determined to be the best student I can be when I go back. I want to be successful, independent, able to help others, and happy in my career.

I am also nervous about my car. Tangee has a messed up wheel baring, which is causing her front passenger wheel to do funny things. It has thrown her out of alignment and she is eating front tires like there's no tomorrow. That won't do if I have to drive back and forth everyday. My mom seems to think the car isn't out of alignment, but I know for a fact that it is. I know that car like the back of my hand.

Pray my voc rehab application gets approved!

Enigma

I am believing that God made me to be a beautiful enigma. An Enigma is a riddle generally expressed in metaphorical or allegorical language that requires ingenuity and careful thinking for its solution. I feel this describes me. I coined this phrase while in a leadership interview last week. Someone asked me how do I think God sees me. I personally don't like questions like these because I am not God and I feel trying to answer for him is being almost sacreligious. But, I knew the person was just doing their job. The word enigma came to mind.

I like using the word enigma to describe me because I really can't describe me. And I think that's how God wanted it. A part of me feels like I am as complicated as my old diffie class. And then I guess I'm as simple as koolaide. I feel my personal enigma is finding my purpose and fulfilling it.

I have found a beautiful man who is just as enigmatic as I am. His name is Chris. He's a 30 year old christadelphian blacksmith apprentice with Asperger Syndrome. He's from the UK. We just made our relationship official and public yesterday. I look forward to growing with him. I don't know if God wants us married or not, but I know God can do some pretty awesome things. I am doing my best to keep my head out of the clouds on this. It's pretty hard to think when one's brain is clouded with lovesickness.

Did I mention I'm an insomniac and a chronic procrastinator? Maybe I should take a blue chip for that.