I have a 91 in my class! Yay! I am pleased for the most part, but a little disappointed because all my test grades are pretty high, but I did poorly on some of the earlier subnetting assignments, so that sort of pulled my grade down. But all my test grades are A's. I feel pretty pleased about that. I do the study guides for each chapter, and that helps because I get some of the knowledge in my head already, but then my teacher also lets us use our study guides. Sometimes she even lets us use our books. (Yeah, the tests are pretty hard). It's funny, I had no confidence in the earlier weeks of class, but halfway through the first quarter I am starting to feel I can do this, that I can succeed and accomplish something.

I quit LJS/A&W a couple weeks ago. The manager there had really severe mood swings and being around him was making me feel afraid. Plus they would clock us out for breaks but not let us take them. I personally had a problem with that. And, I don't think I should work in Sapulpa. I think for right now I need to either work in Jenks, where I go to school, or Bristow. I have thought about going back to McDonald's. If I could work only two days a week for six hours a day I think I could swing that. I really don't want to work while going to school because I'm not the best at managing my time and I presently have a good grade and don't want to change that. I hate feeling overloaded and like I can't do the things I want to do, but I feel I need to work to earn money and to contribute to society (I already do a big portion of the housework).

Presently I have 2 1/2 years sobriety from acting out. I am very proud of that, but I would like to take my sobriety a step further and abstain from all things in that area. I want to be godly and pure and never think certain thoughts again. Is that a realistic goal?

I went walking and jogging yesterday for 30 minutes. I felt so awesome afterwords. I want to try to do it everyday for a month and see how I feel. I think also this will help me with my sobriety. The feelings I get from exercising are the same from the other stuff.

I have a desire to do a quiet time, but I need to find a time of day that works for me. When I first wake up and right before bed aren't realistic options for me. I'm too sleepy. I also need to find something to study. Perhaps the 49 commands of christ?

The retreat last weekend was fun. I didn't do as well on the ropes course as I wanted, but I got to Zipline! Twice! And Steve was my zipline Partner! It was so much fun going through the air! and everyone that did the high ropes course did the zipline!

I am going to the ballet tonight so I won't be staying for all of CR. I bought like 3 different outfits to wear so I need to decide. My friend is wearing something formal so I feel I need to look nice.

Also, I need to learn to compartmentalize. Something happened at church wednesday night and it through me for a loop. I am better now though.

Thankful List:
91 in class
got a 95 on last test
have appointment with caseworker
spending time with friend wednesday nigth

Changing

I think my world views are starting to change majorly. I'm getting kind of scared. I want to be openminded and accepting of as many people as possible, but I'm wondering if that's even possible. I want to know the real world agenda here. I am tired of the emails saying Pres. Obama is a muslim and wanting to help the muslims take over. I want to know the truth but where do I find it? also, I want to know, do muslims really want to kill us?

Today is one of those days where I hope no one is reading because I need to write this, yet, I don't want anyone to read it and I don't really know how to go in and customize it so that it's private.

I really wanted to die today. Not the suicide kind, but the "I wish the earth would swallow me whole" kind, or the "I wish lightening would strike me" kind, or "I wish God would just take me like he took Enosh" kind . I really hated myself and the world around me. I really hate my brain sometimes. No one sees the battle taking place in my brain every second of every day. I find myself wishing sometimes that I was qualriplegiac. (can't spell). At least then, people could see what's going on. Right now no one sees on the outside what's going on with me. I have to smile when really I want to scream and cry and bang my head against the wall 100 times. I read somewhere that people with Aspergers syndrome have the highest suicide rate of all the autistic spectrum disorders. I can see why. We are sometimes as different as our lower functioning brothers and sisters on the spectrum, yet we are totally aware of our differences. I know I'm a freak. I know I have boundary issues. I know people groan sometimes when I come in the room. I know I represent something that a lot of people resent and fear. I know all of this. I feel really bad because I made things more difficult for my friend Z. when I went to inquire about the special needs ministry not being in the bulletin. Z didn't put me up to this. I want badly for the special needs ministry to work, not just because I want special needs kids to have a place in church, but because I feel like maybe I have been created for such a time as this. Maybe there is a reason why God made me this way and it has to do with the kids that will be coming in there on wednesday night. Plus, I love Z very much and I hate seeing her sad. She worked really hard for this and I know God put this on her heart. I guess I need to trust that God knows what he's doing. The hug/cuddle from a friend felt great today. I needed her touch so bad. I guess it's weird that an aspie would love to be touched, but I do, in certain ways by certain people.

I think I need to find a different job. I think I'm terrified of my boss. I was so nervous at work yesterday when he was there that I was having heart palpations. He's really nitpicky and changes from nice to mean in a second. It's really scary. I was crying on the phone with a friend today. She confirmed I need to quit and it's not my fault.

job stuff

Ok, I started my job at Long John Silvers. I had to close last night and it was my second day. I wonder if I made the right choice. I feel really tired and groggy today. I didn't get home till after midnight and I had to shower and get ready for bed. I have to close tonight and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm going to call a lady today and ask her about data entry job oppurtunities. I'm thankful I got the job at Long John Silvers but I can already tell it's going to be stressful, maybe too stressful for me. I feel scared and excited at the same time.