Today is one of those days where I hope no one is reading because I need to write this, yet, I don't want anyone to read it and I don't really know how to go in and customize it so that it's private.

I really wanted to die today. Not the suicide kind, but the "I wish the earth would swallow me whole" kind, or the "I wish lightening would strike me" kind, or "I wish God would just take me like he took Enosh" kind . I really hated myself and the world around me. I really hate my brain sometimes. No one sees the battle taking place in my brain every second of every day. I find myself wishing sometimes that I was qualriplegiac. (can't spell). At least then, people could see what's going on. Right now no one sees on the outside what's going on with me. I have to smile when really I want to scream and cry and bang my head against the wall 100 times. I read somewhere that people with Aspergers syndrome have the highest suicide rate of all the autistic spectrum disorders. I can see why. We are sometimes as different as our lower functioning brothers and sisters on the spectrum, yet we are totally aware of our differences. I know I'm a freak. I know I have boundary issues. I know people groan sometimes when I come in the room. I know I represent something that a lot of people resent and fear. I know all of this. I feel really bad because I made things more difficult for my friend Z. when I went to inquire about the special needs ministry not being in the bulletin. Z didn't put me up to this. I want badly for the special needs ministry to work, not just because I want special needs kids to have a place in church, but because I feel like maybe I have been created for such a time as this. Maybe there is a reason why God made me this way and it has to do with the kids that will be coming in there on wednesday night. Plus, I love Z very much and I hate seeing her sad. She worked really hard for this and I know God put this on her heart. I guess I need to trust that God knows what he's doing. The hug/cuddle from a friend felt great today. I needed her touch so bad. I guess it's weird that an aspie would love to be touched, but I do, in certain ways by certain people.

I think I need to find a different job. I think I'm terrified of my boss. I was so nervous at work yesterday when he was there that I was having heart palpations. He's really nitpicky and changes from nice to mean in a second. It's really scary. I was crying on the phone with a friend today. She confirmed I need to quit and it's not my fault.