Something isn't right

Something doesn't feel right today. I am getting ready to leave to go have ice cream with my sponsor, who I love very much, and yet, I feel angry and depressed. I just had a birthday and a lot of people gave me nice birthday wishes, whether by phone, in person, or by facebook. But I still feel angry and depressed.

I think I'm angry at my mom for being her usual self, and then I'm angry at myself because I feel like a failure at 27. I have to take a lot of her crap and it irritates me. I'm also worried because I have this big ass study guide to do. God, help me to manage my time, do what needs to be done, and deal with my mom. Amen.

I hope no one is reading this

gosh I hope no one is reading this because I really hate myself today and I feel like an immense failure. I wish I could die like the phoenix in harry potter and then be reborn totally and start my life over as new person with new thoughts, feelings, interests. I'd give anything to not be me right now. Gosh, I wish I wasn't such a failure and a second rate person. I wish that the earth would swallow me up.

Things I Hate

Ok, it is bitch/gripe/PMS time. There are a lot of things I hate today.

I like my teacher for CCNA, but I hate it when she tells me to ask my classmates for help. See, I don't want to tell her this, but a great majority of my classmates goof off and are really loud. And when I ask who has something done none of them respond. She is my only help right now and a few of these labs have things in them that are hard for me to understand. It's difficult for me to take conceptual knowledge and put it into practice. I wonder if that's hard for everyone. Anyway, I am going to ask her again later today and I am going to explain to her what's going on.

I also hate it when my mom asks me to come home right after class, especially on a wednesday. I have church wednesday evening and typically I work in the church office from 1:30 to 5. I hate driving back home and coming back to church. To me that wastes gas. I told my mom earlier that I couldn't do that because I have a meeting today and DO YOU THINK SHE LISTENED TO ME!!!?? SHE ASKED ME AGAIN!!! I TOLD HER NO. AND NO, I'm not going to because of the meeting I have today, but man, could anyone have a thicker skull? She wants me to drive all the way home today to change a freakin lightbulb? I know it's just to spend time with me but dammit, I don't want to spend time with her. I'm trying to get away from her. She needs to get a life and her own friends and stop depending on me for everything. Man, Becky breaking up with my mom destroyed my mom. She isolates, never talks to anyone, and yet, sends me to the store for her all the freakin time. I am so glad I am looking for a job and that I have possible housing options. I want out!!!!!

I also hate it when people tell me I'm so smart. Yeah, I know I'm smart, I don't need you freaking telling me that!!! More to come.....

These are a few of my favorite things

Mr Goodbars
Symphony Toffee
butterfinger cappuchino
the color red
the key of G
subnetting the easy way
singing
singing with friends
singing with friends who can actually sing and harmonize
teaching people stuff
letting people into my world and it being a successful trip for them
hugs from really good friends
sleeping over at a friends house
making progress in anything
Libera
Enya
Bagel Bites
cheeseburgers with ketchup, mustard and bacon
Coca Cola
release
walking down riverside
independence
deeper voices
pretty sounds
feeling important
doing things the right way the first time
advancing
knowing I am socializing well
phone calls on the way home
lifting weights
bracelets
one on one conversations
helping without being codependent
kisses
driving
getting out of the house
scrabble
saying hello to people
building bridges
finding common ground
repetitive activity
music I can immerse myself in
swings
understanding and being understood
making good choices
getting sweaty and dirty then getting clean again
church
God
my bibles
Easy to understand sermons
work that I enjoy
coming home and not having to cook
knowing that I am irreplacible
feeling normal
the idea that I can live independently
roller coasters
making people laugh
my friends
my sponsor

I'm not sure what motivated me to put such a list on here. I guess because I am feeling a little tense and tight in the shoulders (or was) and making such a list has helped me to feel loads better. I have a lot to do this week and a meeting tomorrow of which I am very anxious. My partial is also messed up and I'm afraid I will have to go in the meeting tomorrow snaggletoothed.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a few of the people in my class and I ended up telling them that I'm waiting for marriage. I think the conversation got a little bit innapropriate, but they really seem to respect my views. Not too many almost 27 year olds still wait these days.
I have to remember that waiting doesn't make me childish and not waiting doesn't make me grown up.

I'm working on surrender lately. I have a good friend who pointed out that it seems like I am running my life. I am. I think I'm afraid to let God run it. And also, I wasn't sure until yesterday how to let God run my life, or signs that I'm the one taking control. She used tomorrow's meeting as an example. When I start going over what I'm going to say or what I think this person's going to say, or how I'm going to act or react, I'm taking control. The best thing to do is to sit back and let God handle it. It's hard for me not to worry. One of my shortcomings is obsessive thinking. Man, I wonder what God thinks of me!

Birthday in six days!

too tired to post much here but just want to say that I will be 27 in six days!

untitled

I had my meeting with my friend on monday and we are going to continue to meet weekly. I rode with her while she ran a couple errands for work and then we went to sonic and I bought us some stuff. I know I have a problem with surrender. I want to run my life; I don't want God or anyone else running it, and I know that's a problem. In fact, that may be the source of all the problems in my life. I don't want God to have control because I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I'm afraid that I will be forced to do things that I don't want to do that won't be good for me. I am going to read a chapter a week in Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren and try to do a passage a night in this single's book that my friend got me. I am also trying to learn more about the 49 commands of Christ. For a long time I have heard scriptures talking about keeping Christ's commands, but I never knew exactly what the commands were until I went to the Basic Life Principles seminar in March. But now I have printed them off and have decided to study those. Even though it's good to go in order I started with command 16, Do not cast pearls. The scripture that corresponds with that is Matthew 7:6 and the character trait is discretion. I always thought that was talking about giving my virginity to the wrong person, but my friend enlightened me by saying that I need to be careful about who I give my time and energy to and who I devote my passions to. I shouldn't give of myself to anyone who isn't ready to receive it with a willing heart. She used an ex boyfriend as an example of that, saying how he came back into her life and she wanted to show him everything good that had happened to her and how much God had done in her, but really he just wanted to manipulate her. That's a good thing to consider.

I came home yesterday because my mom asked me to. I feel guilty for saying this, but I believe I could go a lot longer without seeing her than vice versa. I need to have more of a love and respect for my mom, and I know I am probably being disobediant to God for having a heart attitude like that. But I did come home yesterday. My brother and his friend were there still and his friend talks in this really loud scratchy voice. Mom didn't like me escaping to my room so I had to sit out there and listen to it. It made me feel really stressed out. Hearing a voice like that reminds me of all the yelling and the screaming I had to put up with.

Mom hasn't really thrown a fit for the past couple of nights, which is good. I am hoping that either she's happier that things are starting to get onboard for her weight loss surgery, or that she's getting used to her meds. Because, I had to endure her fits every night for a week or so straight and it really wore on me. She doesn't realize how much it hurts me when she yells and screams. I do it to her now, and I feel so guilty for that. I wish we could go to family counseling and get some of our issues out. There are some things I wish I could say to my mom, and there are some things I want to understand. I am angry that she has let herself get so fat that she can barely get around. I am angry that she struggles with breathing problems, yet continues to smoke. She has some Chantix and hasn't even looked at it. I am angry that she keeps drinking sugary drinks and eating sugary foods by the mounds. Other than getting herself ready for the surgery, she is doing nothing to help herself. Because of that, I get angry when she asks me to get her stuff and to put my stuff aside for her. Why should I make an effort to help if she isn't going to change? I know she is depressed still over Becky leaving her. I know that really hurt her. I also know that the cancer battle was hard on her. But, the cancer has past, and it's been four years since she and Becky broke up. She needs to get over it and move on. If I let myself stay angry at all the people that have done me wrong I would have committed murder by now. I was so angry last year about the girls in Americorps that sometimes I couldn't get to sleep at night. I imagined myself stabbing each one of them and burning their bodies. I realize now that it was all in God's plan, and that my best revenge is doing well for myself. Being angry and holding a grudge against someone feels okay for awhile because it's fun to imagine hurting the other person and making them pay. But in the end, the person who is paying is the person holding the grudge. God doesn't want our minds to be filled with hate and violence. That's not who he created us to be. Let him handle the violence and revenge.

One big area that I have had victory in is the area of having children. I am starting to give up the control of my life in that area. I have always been anti-procreation, partly because I doubt my ability to be a parent, partly because it has seemed kind of like slavery, and partly because I don't want to pass autism or asperger's on to my kids. Parenting a child on the spectrum is no easy task, and what would happen to my child when I was gone? Well, in talking to a friend a week and a half ago, I realized that there's a part of me that wants children someday. I had been thinking of getting my tubes tied or even getting a hysterectomy, but that has always seemed really final and kind of going against God. Well, my friend helped me to realize that a part of me wants to have my own kids, and that having all these walls up about it has caused a rift between God and I.

pulled

I feel pulled in many directions. I feel like I have to please everyone. I wish I was out of the house and that I had a really good paying job so that I wouldn't have to depend on my mom. Last night we purchased car insurance. My rate is higher now because I've had a wreck. My mom didn't want to pay 97 dollars a month for me so I had to put her name on the insurance so we could get a lower rate. I feel really guilty for doing this, like I'm a criminal or something.

I made plans for today to meet with a friend for lunch. I have to go to downtown to pick her up, and then we will go somewhere. Well, another friend texted me and wants to meet with me today, but today really isn't a good day. Because I don't have a lot of gas and I have to go to downtown already and this friend is over in East tulsa. I told her I would, but I am thinking of calling her and telling her no. My mom was like, why don't you come home for lunch today because Chris is here. I hate it when I have to drop my plans for anyone, and it's like, I have a busy life and I am not going to come home and just be at home just because my brother is here.

I feel like I have to please my mom because she gives me money. I don't want to always please her and do what she says because it doesn't always go with what's best for me. I can't always be sacrificing my sanity. But I have to give in sometimes and I hate it.

I am in school right now so I can get a better job. I pray this is something I can do! I still can't go to a regular college yet, but maybe if I can get my CCNA cert I can get a job at the end of the year making double digits. My dream is to have an apartment in south tulsa, a good job, see my mom maybe on the weekends, keep my place clean, and just be free. Be free to do what I want, when I want and to be responsible for myself.

update

I am coming to the end of my first nine weeks in school and I can honestly say it's turned out better than I expected. I still don't know everything, but I know more than I did nine weeks ago. I have built three small virtual networks. I have A's and B's on all my tests. And I can subnet. I thought subnetting was going to be hard, and it isn't. I also took my practice final today and without much help (we can use study guides and the book on our tests) I got a 77.5, which is pretty good.

I still haven't started my part of mine and P's project, and it's due next week! Yikes! I need to get on it! Part of my trouble is procrastination and then another part of it is that we have to base our project on questions from everyone in the class, and hardly anyone has turned in their questions.

I haven't applied for a workstudy job yet. I need a resume and I'm not sure what to put on it. I want to stay after school tomorrow and work on it.

I'm having a semi difficult time balancing my day and managing my time. Pray for me. More to come.

I have a 91 in my class! Yay! I am pleased for the most part, but a little disappointed because all my test grades are pretty high, but I did poorly on some of the earlier subnetting assignments, so that sort of pulled my grade down. But all my test grades are A's. I feel pretty pleased about that. I do the study guides for each chapter, and that helps because I get some of the knowledge in my head already, but then my teacher also lets us use our study guides. Sometimes she even lets us use our books. (Yeah, the tests are pretty hard). It's funny, I had no confidence in the earlier weeks of class, but halfway through the first quarter I am starting to feel I can do this, that I can succeed and accomplish something.

I quit LJS/A&W a couple weeks ago. The manager there had really severe mood swings and being around him was making me feel afraid. Plus they would clock us out for breaks but not let us take them. I personally had a problem with that. And, I don't think I should work in Sapulpa. I think for right now I need to either work in Jenks, where I go to school, or Bristow. I have thought about going back to McDonald's. If I could work only two days a week for six hours a day I think I could swing that. I really don't want to work while going to school because I'm not the best at managing my time and I presently have a good grade and don't want to change that. I hate feeling overloaded and like I can't do the things I want to do, but I feel I need to work to earn money and to contribute to society (I already do a big portion of the housework).

Presently I have 2 1/2 years sobriety from acting out. I am very proud of that, but I would like to take my sobriety a step further and abstain from all things in that area. I want to be godly and pure and never think certain thoughts again. Is that a realistic goal?

I went walking and jogging yesterday for 30 minutes. I felt so awesome afterwords. I want to try to do it everyday for a month and see how I feel. I think also this will help me with my sobriety. The feelings I get from exercising are the same from the other stuff.

I have a desire to do a quiet time, but I need to find a time of day that works for me. When I first wake up and right before bed aren't realistic options for me. I'm too sleepy. I also need to find something to study. Perhaps the 49 commands of christ?

The retreat last weekend was fun. I didn't do as well on the ropes course as I wanted, but I got to Zipline! Twice! And Steve was my zipline Partner! It was so much fun going through the air! and everyone that did the high ropes course did the zipline!

I am going to the ballet tonight so I won't be staying for all of CR. I bought like 3 different outfits to wear so I need to decide. My friend is wearing something formal so I feel I need to look nice.

Also, I need to learn to compartmentalize. Something happened at church wednesday night and it through me for a loop. I am better now though.

Thankful List:
91 in class
got a 95 on last test
have appointment with caseworker
spending time with friend wednesday nigth

Changing

I think my world views are starting to change majorly. I'm getting kind of scared. I want to be openminded and accepting of as many people as possible, but I'm wondering if that's even possible. I want to know the real world agenda here. I am tired of the emails saying Pres. Obama is a muslim and wanting to help the muslims take over. I want to know the truth but where do I find it? also, I want to know, do muslims really want to kill us?

Today is one of those days where I hope no one is reading because I need to write this, yet, I don't want anyone to read it and I don't really know how to go in and customize it so that it's private.

I really wanted to die today. Not the suicide kind, but the "I wish the earth would swallow me whole" kind, or the "I wish lightening would strike me" kind, or "I wish God would just take me like he took Enosh" kind . I really hated myself and the world around me. I really hate my brain sometimes. No one sees the battle taking place in my brain every second of every day. I find myself wishing sometimes that I was qualriplegiac. (can't spell). At least then, people could see what's going on. Right now no one sees on the outside what's going on with me. I have to smile when really I want to scream and cry and bang my head against the wall 100 times. I read somewhere that people with Aspergers syndrome have the highest suicide rate of all the autistic spectrum disorders. I can see why. We are sometimes as different as our lower functioning brothers and sisters on the spectrum, yet we are totally aware of our differences. I know I'm a freak. I know I have boundary issues. I know people groan sometimes when I come in the room. I know I represent something that a lot of people resent and fear. I know all of this. I feel really bad because I made things more difficult for my friend Z. when I went to inquire about the special needs ministry not being in the bulletin. Z didn't put me up to this. I want badly for the special needs ministry to work, not just because I want special needs kids to have a place in church, but because I feel like maybe I have been created for such a time as this. Maybe there is a reason why God made me this way and it has to do with the kids that will be coming in there on wednesday night. Plus, I love Z very much and I hate seeing her sad. She worked really hard for this and I know God put this on her heart. I guess I need to trust that God knows what he's doing. The hug/cuddle from a friend felt great today. I needed her touch so bad. I guess it's weird that an aspie would love to be touched, but I do, in certain ways by certain people.

I think I need to find a different job. I think I'm terrified of my boss. I was so nervous at work yesterday when he was there that I was having heart palpations. He's really nitpicky and changes from nice to mean in a second. It's really scary. I was crying on the phone with a friend today. She confirmed I need to quit and it's not my fault.

job stuff

Ok, I started my job at Long John Silvers. I had to close last night and it was my second day. I wonder if I made the right choice. I feel really tired and groggy today. I didn't get home till after midnight and I had to shower and get ready for bed. I have to close tonight and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm going to call a lady today and ask her about data entry job oppurtunities. I'm thankful I got the job at Long John Silvers but I can already tell it's going to be stressful, maybe too stressful for me. I feel scared and excited at the same time.

stuff

Learning Binary, want to learn octal and hexadecimal. Going to download Visual Basic for free.
I'm excited. Class is going better today. I'm going to talk to a person named Deb about possible job oppurtunities. I've decided that I want something part time maybe 20 to 25 hours a week. I know that will work with my schedule and allow me to do the things I want to do. I just want some spending money for gas and to buy the things I need to buy, while also allowing me to save money for an apartment. Still waiting to hear back from Voc Rehab

disrespect

I wonder if a lot of people with Asperger's syndrome and other disabilities feel a lot of disrespect coming from their peers. It's that feeling that because I'm not like that other person that I'm not as good as them or worth as much. I get that feeling a lot from the guys in my class. I feel like a lot of them have a problem with me being in there. It's not my fault I have aspergers syndrome. I am coping with life the best that I can. I think that's why I have a problem with any religion that says there is only one way to be. All my life I have gotten the message that there's only one way to be, and since I'm not that way then I'm not as good. I hate having to conform to the NT standard of living when I'm not NT. I am autistic. Get used to it. To me, telling people that they have to accept Christ or go to hell is like telling a person that if they are autistic, then they need to act more NT because as an autistic, they are second rate. A part of me wonders if I should tell the guys I have aspergers syndrome, but Ms. Winn says I shouldn't. A part of me feels they wouldn't understand and would just feel I'm trying to illicit sympathy from them.

There's this one high school guy named S that's a little jerk. The Christian in me says pray for him. The bad mean girl in me says teach him a lesson he won't forget. He's so rude and condescending to me. And this other guy whos an adult. The first day I thought he was okay since I looked at his computer. But he is condescending and rude too.

Song of Myself

My song today is in the key of C# minor and involves pink yellow and brown. It has a slow melodic way about it in 4/4 time. I'm feeling really insecure, dumb and overloaded. I worry my classmates don't like me. I also worry that Chris and I haven't talked for a week and a half. Does he still like me? I don't want to send him too many messages because I don't want to smother him, but I have grown quite fond of him and I need him now. I need to know he still likes me and wants to be my boyfriend.

I got really overloaded and overwhelmed with information today and forgot everything. Man, I feel stupid....

Heavy Heart

I am feeling a lot of hurt and insecurity today. My mom and I had a fight yesterday and she said some really mean things to me. I know she did it out of fear and anger. I know at 26 I'm still not as mature as other 26 year olds and I still make dumb choices. But, I am learning, growing and kind of playing catch up. I know I'm not "dumber than green corn shit" like my mom said. And I know that she probably didn't mean it. But it still hurts and cuts me to the core. I know I've said hurtful things to her before, but I've never said anything like this. She said it out of anger and so maliciously. I am trying to recover emotionally and it's hard, real hard. I feel really withdrawn today and like my classmates hate me or think I'm weird. I also feel bad because I forgot my medication today. I need to remember to take it, somehow incorporate it into my school routine....

I love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away......

After six years out of the classroom working menial jobs for minimum wage, da ta dum.......I start school tomorrow! Yay! I will be going to Tulsa Tech and taking CISCO networking. I thought this day would never arrive. I'm nervous and excited. I'm also worried about gas money. It seems like the four or five days before payday are always the tightest. I am hoping I get a job soon. Applying for more places, and I have to go to walmart tomorrow and talk to Lois. It turns out that 81st and Lewis didn't do what they were supposed to do and so I am still registered as being employed with walmart. I'm hoping maybe a transfer will come my way. Glenpool and Sapulpa are the closest to my school and the second closest to my home....

Another Stinky Award

Dr. Laura gives out what she calls the stinky awards to organizations and people that she feels are against the best interest of families. I have a few stinky awards I want to give out as well. One of them is to the football players of glen ridge high school that raped and sodomized a 17 year old mentally impaired girl in 1988 and 1. said that she wanted and asked for it and 2. barely got punished for the crime. I also want to give another stinky award to the townspeople, pastors and coaches who supported these monsters and refused to believe this young woman. I caught the tail end of the movie Outrage in Glen Ridge and was appalled.

I don't care what people think, a person with an IQ of 62 cannot, I repeat, cannot, give consent. This girl didn't even really know what was happening to her. She had the intelligence of an 8 year old. She had known these boys her whole life and thought they were her friends. They did horrible things to her, and most of them got off scot free. I think a couple had to serve a few years in prison. None of them had to register as sex offenders or anything. This angers me. In my opinion, these monsters need to spend the rest of their lives in prison, after they are castrated without anesthesia.

Do we have a law to protect the mentally disabled (I am including those who are mentally retarted and who struggle with mental illness in the same group for simplicity sake)? I know that we have a law to protect children and teenagers. An 18 year old can go to jail for having sex with a 15 year old, even if the 15 year old asked for it. My 21 year old cousin is in prison on rape charges because he had sex with a 15 year old girl when he was 19. This girl flung herself at my cousin and pursued him like a mad dog in heat. And, like the idiot he was, he had sex with her. The girl's mom turned my cousin in, and now he's taking the heat for it. He will have to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life once he serves his time. Now, I'm not saying what my cousin did was right at all. He needs to have the crap beat out of him for being so stupid. But if my cousin had said in his trial "that slut wanted it. She begged for it", the judge would have laughed in his face. But that's what these hooligans fron Glen Ridge said. She wanted it, she begged for it? She was also mentally disabled with the intelligence of a second grader. It doesn't matter if she wanted it or not. She was impaired, and therefore couldn't give consent.

Yucky ucky

I am proud of myself for going out and running when I had certain things come up. I feel much better about myself for not giving into mediocrity. I've also done the dishes and cleaned the crockpot for mom, and I've also made headway on cleaning my room. I've also only drank one 20 ounce pop today, although I did eat some chocolate donuts.

However, I've felt totally yucky since about 4 PM. I have had a lot of sinus drainage, which has made my throat totally sore. I've also had a lot of lethargy, muscle soreness, and a sore neck. I've been taking it easy (sort of) and I took a two hour nap earlier. Hope I feel better tomorrow. I've gotta do some paperwork and accompany my mom to her appointment.

Scrabble, wheel barings and the word smart

I love playing scrabble on the online server. In fact, I play it several times a day. Most of the games I play are short, under 15 minutes, or 8 minutes for each player. I usually play void, which means the system will not let me play a word that isn't valid. This is a good arrangement for me because I like discovering new words. My rating is currently in the low 400's, partly because my anagramming skills aren't that good. I have a lot of trouble finding bingoes, plays where I can play all 7 of my letter tiles (a 50 point bonus is added when a player does this). I have most of the two letter words memorized, and I'm learning the 3 letter words of the higher point tiles (z,q,x,j,k). Today I found some new words by either playing or watching the higher ranked players play: hongied, cadger, mib, roperies, chert, unvarying and bonito. I also found out Josh is a word. Seems like a lot of words beginning with J are people's names : Jack, Jenny, John, Jinni, Jin, Jimmy, Joe, Jo, and now, Josh. Interesting, huh? more interesting words with J in them are Raj, Raja, Rajas, Taj, Tajes, Haj, Djin, Djins, and Djinns

I had an opportunity to do wrong last night and I didn't do it, praise God. I might have handled it differently though. When I am on the scrabble server, I am there to either play or watch. I don't go on there too chat or cyber (although occasionally I do end up chatting, especially with the higher ranked players who can offer me a few good tips to improve my game). Last night this player started chatting with me and he asked me some unsavory questions. Instead of answering his questions, I kept saying I don't want to talk about it, and when the game was over (it was a short game) I blocked and reported him. I am proud of myself for being uncomfortable with what happened, and for saying no. I felt very uncomfortable about what was going on, and probably should have ended the game right then, but I knew I would lose about 20 points if I did, and it was a short game.

I have the opportunity to purchase some study material to help me with my game. I will have to wait until I get more money, but I am excited. It will help me with my anagramming skills and help me move up in the ranks. Btw, if anyone wants to play on the online scrable server, go to www.isc.ro and download the wordbiz app to your computer. My screen name is zyzzyvas7 if you want to play with me.

Last night I went to the last Riverwalk concert of the summer and sat with my friends and my friend's pitbull mix. Basically, this dog looks like a larger-sized pitbull. But, he's so sweet! He loves people and children. My friend will stand over him when kids come by to ensure that nothing happens, but he's very gentle with kids. He loves everyone. It's a shame that idiot legislators are trying to eradicate pit bulls, when they are such an awesome breed. Pit Bulls are very obedient and protective of their masters, which is their downfall. It's the mean, greedy and worthless dogfighters that need to be put to sleep (Michael Vicks), only they need to be gassed to death and tortured while going under. (Sorry, normally I try to be nice to everyone but I strongly despise anyone who is cruel to animals and that's what dogfighting is. If this offends you, let me know).

Anyway, at the Riverwalk I was talking to my friends and I found out that one of them can help me fix my car! The other one also paid for my coke. My car has horrible tire issues and this particular friend has worked on a lot of stuff. So pleased! I think this friend will even show me how to do it! This is such a blessing because I start school next week and will need to drive my car back and forth until I find a place to live. Might take awhile. Being blessed so much makes me want to be more of a blessing to others.

I have discovered that I hate it when people tell me I'm smart. Not because I hate receiving compliments, but because I feel like most people don't mean it. And, I don't really feel I'm that smart. I'm smart in certain things, yes. but, so is everyone else. There is nothing extraordinary about me, and I feel that most people who tell me I'm smart are really trying to tell me to go away and they feel if they tell me I'm smart then maybe they will have given me what I've wanted and then I'll leave them alone. Instead of telling me I'm smart. why not put in a good word for me somewhere that will help me with something? Don't get me wrong, I appreciate compliments, especially if they are sincere, but I wish people would cut the flattery.

new week

it's a new week and I want to make the most of it by reading my bible at least 3 days this week. Reading the bible has always been an overwhelming task for me because there's so much to it and when I'm reading one thing I feel I should read another. I think my time in the word will be best spent memorizing psalms. I had a goal one year to memorize all 150 and I think I managed 6. I doubt my brain could handle all 150 psalms, but, I know God can make it happen. I wish brains were like computers and that I could just stick a big ram stick in mine, or a big external harddrive.

Pray that people will see me as capable of handling more responsibilities, and if they don't that they will inform me of what I need to work on. I feel that most people like me but they see me as inept. I don't get asked to lead worship, I've been pushed out of other avenues, and it's getting quite disconcerting. I am being given the responsibility of birthdays for the teenage group. This will be fun. I am glad my gift with numbers will finally take me somewhere. But eventually I want to lead a small group. I am proud of myself today for how I did in our ministry team meeting. We got into groups of 5 or 6 and practiced having a small group. Each guideline was practiced, both in breaking it and enforcing it. I think I did a good job enforcing it. I took the cross talk one. I'm hoping a certain someone will put in a good word for me regarding how I did.

All the guidelines are valuable to me and I am grateful for them, both for giving me a safe place to share friday night, and for giving me people skills. I use the guidelines in many settings with other people and it helps me get along with them by appearing sensitive to their needs without fixing them. However, I think the two group guidelines that are the most valuable to me are the no cross talk, and the 3-5 minute rule.


The no cross talk one I like the most because it allows me and others to share uninterrupted. I can get my stuff out without being shot down and I can listen to what someone else has to say and get the whole of what they're saying. I believe it also helps prevent rabbit trails. I've been in support groups where there was no rule against cross talk and sharing was very difficult. Tangents were common and I would go to these support groups wondering if I could share what I needed to share without angering someone.

Here's to the next five years

I got my five year chip tonight! Five years ago (actually five years ago next Thursday), I started my recovery journey. I haven't stayed clean the entire time,but I have made strides in my commitment to living a righteous and God-pleasing lifestyle. I have discovered many things about myself, including much insanity in my life. I have made many friends who have been an asset to me on my journey.

I pray that God will be with me as I continue my journey. I still have a part of my insanity that I need to relinquish. I have been hesitant because it's sometimes hard to trust that God will meet my needs. But I know he will, and when I can't, HE can.

temptation

I overcame temptation tonight by the grace of God. I don't want to elaborate too much here, but anyone who knows me well enough can deduce what I'm talking about.

School, School, School

I start school in 13 days!! After six years out, I am going back, I am nervous because I don't have a job or housing yet, but I am trusting God to lead me to the right place. I'm excited to be taking CISCO networking and getting into the IT field. I just hope it doesn't tank anytime soon.
I am so tired of working minimum wage jobs, but I feel that working minimum wage has helped me develop an appreciation for having an education. I am determined to be the best student I can be when I go back. I want to be successful, independent, able to help others, and happy in my career.

I am also nervous about my car. Tangee has a messed up wheel baring, which is causing her front passenger wheel to do funny things. It has thrown her out of alignment and she is eating front tires like there's no tomorrow. That won't do if I have to drive back and forth everyday. My mom seems to think the car isn't out of alignment, but I know for a fact that it is. I know that car like the back of my hand.

Pray my voc rehab application gets approved!

Enigma

I am believing that God made me to be a beautiful enigma. An Enigma is a riddle generally expressed in metaphorical or allegorical language that requires ingenuity and careful thinking for its solution. I feel this describes me. I coined this phrase while in a leadership interview last week. Someone asked me how do I think God sees me. I personally don't like questions like these because I am not God and I feel trying to answer for him is being almost sacreligious. But, I knew the person was just doing their job. The word enigma came to mind.

I like using the word enigma to describe me because I really can't describe me. And I think that's how God wanted it. A part of me feels like I am as complicated as my old diffie class. And then I guess I'm as simple as koolaide. I feel my personal enigma is finding my purpose and fulfilling it.

I have found a beautiful man who is just as enigmatic as I am. His name is Chris. He's a 30 year old christadelphian blacksmith apprentice with Asperger Syndrome. He's from the UK. We just made our relationship official and public yesterday. I look forward to growing with him. I don't know if God wants us married or not, but I know God can do some pretty awesome things. I am doing my best to keep my head out of the clouds on this. It's pretty hard to think when one's brain is clouded with lovesickness.

Did I mention I'm an insomniac and a chronic procrastinator? Maybe I should take a blue chip for that.