I understand they are important and all. But it seems as if the really important stuff gets overlooked. I was driving on the hwy a month ago. I wasn't speeding, I was driving carefully and totally keeping my nose clean. Some cop pulled me over
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
A few hours later...
It's amazing what a little sleep deprivation coupled with stress over a ticket can do. My friend and I talked briefly today and everything's okay. She got my mother's day poem and said it was really sweet. She is going to keep it in her hope chest (at least I think that's what it is).
I went and played 2 rounds of DDR. I did okay. The slowest of my songs was 65 bpm and I did one that was 300 bpm. I think I am slowly getting my stamina back. I'd like to eventually be able to do 8's and 9's. Right now I can do 2 7's (Bag, and a hit song by Boys II Men). I like the hit song by boys II men because it's slow but there's a lot of really fast steps in it. I think that will help me build up my skill. After the DDR I went to cold stone and got some butter pecan icecream with butterfinger mixed in. Not really worth 4 dollars for a scoop (seeing as how you can get two scoops at Braums for half that), but it was good nonetheless. I still prefer Braum's though.
I think all in all it's been a good day. I know I let Satan get the best of me earlier with those bad thoughts in my head, and by letting my happiness and joy depend on others instead of God. But, I finished my last chapter 7 packet tracer (and got help from J. the lab assistant that I have such a huge crush on), I had some good convos with my teacher, and I got my chapter 7 quiz in. I'm going to get a shower in, start on my chapter 8 stuff, and then head to bed. My goal: be in and under the covers by 11:30. I'm really nervous about going to see about my ticket tomorrow, but God is in control. Another thing, we were given practice finals for A+ and Cisco today and I can't find either of them. Please pray for me about that. I texted my teacher at 8:30 and let her know what was going on.
I went and played 2 rounds of DDR. I did okay. The slowest of my songs was 65 bpm and I did one that was 300 bpm. I think I am slowly getting my stamina back. I'd like to eventually be able to do 8's and 9's. Right now I can do 2 7's (Bag, and a hit song by Boys II Men). I like the hit song by boys II men because it's slow but there's a lot of really fast steps in it. I think that will help me build up my skill. After the DDR I went to cold stone and got some butter pecan icecream with butterfinger mixed in. Not really worth 4 dollars for a scoop (seeing as how you can get two scoops at Braums for half that), but it was good nonetheless. I still prefer Braum's though.
I think all in all it's been a good day. I know I let Satan get the best of me earlier with those bad thoughts in my head, and by letting my happiness and joy depend on others instead of God. But, I finished my last chapter 7 packet tracer (and got help from J. the lab assistant that I have such a huge crush on), I had some good convos with my teacher, and I got my chapter 7 quiz in. I'm going to get a shower in, start on my chapter 8 stuff, and then head to bed. My goal: be in and under the covers by 11:30. I'm really nervous about going to see about my ticket tomorrow, but God is in control. Another thing, we were given practice finals for A+ and Cisco today and I can't find either of them. Please pray for me about that. I texted my teacher at 8:30 and let her know what was going on.
I just cried for you.
I wish I didn't feel so far away from you right now. We used to text everyday. Now we don't. I feel like you are mad at me or you want to distance yourself from me. I feel like if I weren't a part of the special needs ministry or Celebrate recovery that you wouldn't even talk to me. I just want to see you for a few minutes and hug and kiss you. that's enough for me. I feel like you convinced me to move out of my mother's house and then you deserted me. We were closer when I lived in Bristow. I feel afraid to call you because I'm afraid I'm bothering you. I can't even concentrate on my school work today. I'm sorry I looked at the bad stuff on my computer. Maybe u are mad at me because of that? I wish you would text me back. But I know you won't. you are done with me, I can see it. I hate that I need constant reminders of your love and affection. I hate that about myself. I hate myself. I wish I were dead or that this life would end or something. I hate the demons in my head.
I wish I didn't feel so far away from you right now. We used to text everyday. Now we don't. I feel like you are mad at me or you want to distance yourself from me. I feel like if I weren't a part of the special needs ministry or Celebrate recovery that you wouldn't even talk to me. I just want to see you for a few minutes and hug and kiss you. that's enough for me. I feel like you convinced me to move out of my mother's house and then you deserted me. We were closer when I lived in Bristow. I feel afraid to call you because I'm afraid I'm bothering you. I can't even concentrate on my school work today. I'm sorry I looked at the bad stuff on my computer. Maybe u are mad at me because of that? I wish you would text me back. But I know you won't. you are done with me, I can see it. I hate that I need constant reminders of your love and affection. I hate that about myself. I hate myself. I wish I were dead or that this life would end or something. I hate the demons in my head.
Stress
I am experiencing a lot of anxiety and stress today. I don't want to go into it on here but it has to do with insurance, and the state of one of my friendships. I constantly stress over something. I wish adulthood was easier.... I wish friendships were easier for me, and I wish I didn't need people. Some aspies need no one. I wish I were like that, then my life would be simpler. Sure I might feel lonelier, but, I wouldn't have to agonize if I am doing something right, or if I'm driving this person away.
Sometimes I wish I could jump into a tunnel and just teleport to a self-made universe.....A place where everything is easy for me and I don't get stressed out. Where sounds aren't loud, everything is the same and straight forward, and where I didn't need my mom to pay my car insurance. She will only pay it under certain terms and it is exactly that which has me stressing....
Sometimes I wish I could jump into a tunnel and just teleport to a self-made universe.....A place where everything is easy for me and I don't get stressed out. Where sounds aren't loud, everything is the same and straight forward, and where I didn't need my mom to pay my car insurance. She will only pay it under certain terms and it is exactly that which has me stressing....
Friday, May 6, 2011
The power of a few smiles and laughs
It's amazing how a few smiles and laughs can change one's outlook on life. A few hours ago I was really depressed and anxious and wanted to die. Now I feel loads better. A few laughs and smiles really did the trick. I think it's also helpful to get out one's grateful list.
8things:
it's chicken day!
2 dollar chicken at school (normally it's 2.75)
I'm doing well in class
BBQ sauce and how tasty it is
I get to go to the opera tonight with friends
my apartment
got to spend time with family last night
my aunt's cooking
8things:
it's chicken day!
2 dollar chicken at school (normally it's 2.75)
I'm doing well in class
BBQ sauce and how tasty it is
I get to go to the opera tonight with friends
my apartment
got to spend time with family last night
my aunt's cooking
I still feel depressed today but not as bad as I did yesterday. I made some good choices yesterday and I feel better about that. I rode my landlord's bike two miles yesterday. It felt very invigorating and for a few minutes I forgot who I was. That was nice. I tithed, got some money back at purple glaze, and I got to eat dinner at my aunt's and uncle's house. It was fun playing dominoes and catching up.
I think I have a case of approval addiction. I have to be okay with everyone all the time and I have to be liked by everyone. How I feel about myself is determined how others feel about me. I hate that. I wish I didn't care. I could live with so much more freedom if I just didn't give a crap. I wish I had a thicker skin. There are some things I like about my teacher, but I feel like there are some things that I know that she will never know. Of course, I would never tell her that because people don't want to know how much you know, but how much you care. Plus, it's never nice to tell someone older than you that you think their mindset is wrong, even if it is. I wish she understood that sometimes every second is a struggle for me. Like this morning, when everything was so loud and I felt my skin crawling. Some people's voices are like a boom box.....
I think I have a case of approval addiction. I have to be okay with everyone all the time and I have to be liked by everyone. How I feel about myself is determined how others feel about me. I hate that. I wish I didn't care. I could live with so much more freedom if I just didn't give a crap. I wish I had a thicker skin. There are some things I like about my teacher, but I feel like there are some things that I know that she will never know. Of course, I would never tell her that because people don't want to know how much you know, but how much you care. Plus, it's never nice to tell someone older than you that you think their mindset is wrong, even if it is. I wish she understood that sometimes every second is a struggle for me. Like this morning, when everything was so loud and I felt my skin crawling. Some people's voices are like a boom box.....
Thursday, May 5, 2011
I wish
I wish I didn't give a damn about other people's thoughts, feelings or opinions of me. I do too much based on how I think other people feel and when other people treat me bad it crushes me. If I detect for a minute that someone is talking down to me I get really angry and want to hurt them. Why am I so sensitive?
I've wanted to die since age 10. I think it was around that time when I first realized I was different and didn't fit in. I was the girl who liked snakes, who spoke in big words, who was a foot taller than everyone else, and who seemed to always make social mistakes everywhere I go.
If a person really knew how I felt, or who I was, would they like me? Do people see the constant struggle I have everyday to not want to die? Man, there are days, and thankfully they seem to be fewer, but there are days where if I knew it wasn't wrong, if I knew I'd be successful and if I didn't have people who loved me, well, you know. There'd be a funeral for me and I'd be in a big black casket with red flowers, or a big red casket with white flowers. There'd be music playing and a slideshow and people would hear a sermon condenscing my 27 years into 2.7 minutes.....
I'm sure people would say I was smart. That seems to be the number one thing. Everyone calls me brainiac. It's a complement. But there are many days when all I feel is a million flavors of dumb. And there are days when I want to be more than smart. Like beautiful. And no, I don't mean beautiful on the inside. I mean on the outside, the kind that captures people. The kind that the cheerleaders at my school had, with the perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect body. Perfect charisma. But the adult in me knows what the teenager didn't: that those girls have their own sets of problems, and that being exceedingly beautiful on the outside can limit what people see on the inside. It seems as if people want to stop there and not go deeper.
A part of me feels like I will always be depressed until I get to heaven and become renewed. Then I will have a perfect body and mind. I won't have anymore weird social issues nor will I have weird interests. I will be like everyone else....
I've wanted to die since age 10. I think it was around that time when I first realized I was different and didn't fit in. I was the girl who liked snakes, who spoke in big words, who was a foot taller than everyone else, and who seemed to always make social mistakes everywhere I go.
If a person really knew how I felt, or who I was, would they like me? Do people see the constant struggle I have everyday to not want to die? Man, there are days, and thankfully they seem to be fewer, but there are days where if I knew it wasn't wrong, if I knew I'd be successful and if I didn't have people who loved me, well, you know. There'd be a funeral for me and I'd be in a big black casket with red flowers, or a big red casket with white flowers. There'd be music playing and a slideshow and people would hear a sermon condenscing my 27 years into 2.7 minutes.....
I'm sure people would say I was smart. That seems to be the number one thing. Everyone calls me brainiac. It's a complement. But there are many days when all I feel is a million flavors of dumb. And there are days when I want to be more than smart. Like beautiful. And no, I don't mean beautiful on the inside. I mean on the outside, the kind that captures people. The kind that the cheerleaders at my school had, with the perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect body. Perfect charisma. But the adult in me knows what the teenager didn't: that those girls have their own sets of problems, and that being exceedingly beautiful on the outside can limit what people see on the inside. It seems as if people want to stop there and not go deeper.
A part of me feels like I will always be depressed until I get to heaven and become renewed. Then I will have a perfect body and mind. I won't have anymore weird social issues nor will I have weird interests. I will be like everyone else....