I am experiencing a lot of anxiety and stress today. I don't want to go into it on here but it has to do with insurance, and the state of one of my friendships. I constantly stress over something. I wish adulthood was easier.... I wish friendships were easier for me, and I wish I didn't need people. Some aspies need no one. I wish I were like that, then my life would be simpler. Sure I might feel lonelier, but, I wouldn't have to agonize if I am doing something right, or if I'm driving this person away.
Sometimes I wish I could jump into a tunnel and just teleport to a self-made universe.....A place where everything is easy for me and I don't get stressed out. Where sounds aren't loud, everything is the same and straight forward, and where I didn't need my mom to pay my car insurance. She will only pay it under certain terms and it is exactly that which has me stressing....
Monday, May 9, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
The power of a few smiles and laughs
It's amazing how a few smiles and laughs can change one's outlook on life. A few hours ago I was really depressed and anxious and wanted to die. Now I feel loads better. A few laughs and smiles really did the trick. I think it's also helpful to get out one's grateful list.
8things:
it's chicken day!
2 dollar chicken at school (normally it's 2.75)
I'm doing well in class
BBQ sauce and how tasty it is
I get to go to the opera tonight with friends
my apartment
got to spend time with family last night
my aunt's cooking
8things:
it's chicken day!
2 dollar chicken at school (normally it's 2.75)
I'm doing well in class
BBQ sauce and how tasty it is
I get to go to the opera tonight with friends
my apartment
got to spend time with family last night
my aunt's cooking
I still feel depressed today but not as bad as I did yesterday. I made some good choices yesterday and I feel better about that. I rode my landlord's bike two miles yesterday. It felt very invigorating and for a few minutes I forgot who I was. That was nice. I tithed, got some money back at purple glaze, and I got to eat dinner at my aunt's and uncle's house. It was fun playing dominoes and catching up.
I think I have a case of approval addiction. I have to be okay with everyone all the time and I have to be liked by everyone. How I feel about myself is determined how others feel about me. I hate that. I wish I didn't care. I could live with so much more freedom if I just didn't give a crap. I wish I had a thicker skin. There are some things I like about my teacher, but I feel like there are some things that I know that she will never know. Of course, I would never tell her that because people don't want to know how much you know, but how much you care. Plus, it's never nice to tell someone older than you that you think their mindset is wrong, even if it is. I wish she understood that sometimes every second is a struggle for me. Like this morning, when everything was so loud and I felt my skin crawling. Some people's voices are like a boom box.....
I think I have a case of approval addiction. I have to be okay with everyone all the time and I have to be liked by everyone. How I feel about myself is determined how others feel about me. I hate that. I wish I didn't care. I could live with so much more freedom if I just didn't give a crap. I wish I had a thicker skin. There are some things I like about my teacher, but I feel like there are some things that I know that she will never know. Of course, I would never tell her that because people don't want to know how much you know, but how much you care. Plus, it's never nice to tell someone older than you that you think their mindset is wrong, even if it is. I wish she understood that sometimes every second is a struggle for me. Like this morning, when everything was so loud and I felt my skin crawling. Some people's voices are like a boom box.....
Thursday, May 5, 2011
I wish
I wish I didn't give a damn about other people's thoughts, feelings or opinions of me. I do too much based on how I think other people feel and when other people treat me bad it crushes me. If I detect for a minute that someone is talking down to me I get really angry and want to hurt them. Why am I so sensitive?
I've wanted to die since age 10. I think it was around that time when I first realized I was different and didn't fit in. I was the girl who liked snakes, who spoke in big words, who was a foot taller than everyone else, and who seemed to always make social mistakes everywhere I go.
If a person really knew how I felt, or who I was, would they like me? Do people see the constant struggle I have everyday to not want to die? Man, there are days, and thankfully they seem to be fewer, but there are days where if I knew it wasn't wrong, if I knew I'd be successful and if I didn't have people who loved me, well, you know. There'd be a funeral for me and I'd be in a big black casket with red flowers, or a big red casket with white flowers. There'd be music playing and a slideshow and people would hear a sermon condenscing my 27 years into 2.7 minutes.....
I'm sure people would say I was smart. That seems to be the number one thing. Everyone calls me brainiac. It's a complement. But there are many days when all I feel is a million flavors of dumb. And there are days when I want to be more than smart. Like beautiful. And no, I don't mean beautiful on the inside. I mean on the outside, the kind that captures people. The kind that the cheerleaders at my school had, with the perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect body. Perfect charisma. But the adult in me knows what the teenager didn't: that those girls have their own sets of problems, and that being exceedingly beautiful on the outside can limit what people see on the inside. It seems as if people want to stop there and not go deeper.
A part of me feels like I will always be depressed until I get to heaven and become renewed. Then I will have a perfect body and mind. I won't have anymore weird social issues nor will I have weird interests. I will be like everyone else....
I've wanted to die since age 10. I think it was around that time when I first realized I was different and didn't fit in. I was the girl who liked snakes, who spoke in big words, who was a foot taller than everyone else, and who seemed to always make social mistakes everywhere I go.
If a person really knew how I felt, or who I was, would they like me? Do people see the constant struggle I have everyday to not want to die? Man, there are days, and thankfully they seem to be fewer, but there are days where if I knew it wasn't wrong, if I knew I'd be successful and if I didn't have people who loved me, well, you know. There'd be a funeral for me and I'd be in a big black casket with red flowers, or a big red casket with white flowers. There'd be music playing and a slideshow and people would hear a sermon condenscing my 27 years into 2.7 minutes.....
I'm sure people would say I was smart. That seems to be the number one thing. Everyone calls me brainiac. It's a complement. But there are many days when all I feel is a million flavors of dumb. And there are days when I want to be more than smart. Like beautiful. And no, I don't mean beautiful on the inside. I mean on the outside, the kind that captures people. The kind that the cheerleaders at my school had, with the perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect body. Perfect charisma. But the adult in me knows what the teenager didn't: that those girls have their own sets of problems, and that being exceedingly beautiful on the outside can limit what people see on the inside. It seems as if people want to stop there and not go deeper.
A part of me feels like I will always be depressed until I get to heaven and become renewed. Then I will have a perfect body and mind. I won't have anymore weird social issues nor will I have weird interests. I will be like everyone else....
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Found a place to rent!
There is someone close to campus who has a studio apartment for rent! I decided to rent it! I feel really sad all of a sudden though and kind of guilty........I hope I am doing the right thing? What if my mom needs me? what if I get sick? I have all these emotions going through my head but I know I am doing the right thing. There isn't really a place to do laundry but I can go to the laundromat or something, or even do laundry at a person's house. God this is really a gut wrenching feeling in a way, but I don't plan on staying away 24-7. And I'm gone so much that I really need a place here.....
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
another day
Yesterday my sponsor said something encouraging, that I had grown so much in the last year. She said that people could see my growth and that they come up to her and talk to her about it. What exactly constitutes growth? I'm not fishing for complements, but I sometimes wonder if my perceived growth really isn't other people changing and growing and allowing their hearts to accomidate one more person.
Then I think back to last year and how erratic I acted when a so-called friend of mine took off with my car, stayed gone for an hour and a half, and then proceeded to tell me the biggest whopper in the world reguarding the disappearance of the 40 dollars in my purse. I think about how I didn't tithe, spent my money recklessly, kept my room in a mess. I didn't do a quiet time. I tried to do everything in my own strength. I still carried a lot of anger over my dad and what happened in Americorps.
I also think back to when I smoked. I didn't smoke my first cigarette until age 23, and I really didn't start smoking full time until Americorps, and then I smoked for a year and a half after that. Last March when I went on a spring break trip with Sadelina was my first big break from cigarettes. I went 9 days without one, and since then have been cutting down. I think it's been a couple months since my last cigarette. I still have urges to smoke, especially watching everyone around me. One thing that helps me stay away from cigarettes is singing. I got back into the oratorio last may and have spent a full season back in. I sing soprano I, and I need every inch of my voice to hit those pesky high notes.
I can honestly say that I feel better about myself. I dress better, I wear makeup more often. I'm eating better, and exploring new ways of exercise and stretching. I try to have some sort of a quiet time with God everyday. I don't gratify myself as often as I used to, and I give myself grace when those urges come. I don't feel same sex urges so much anymore. I think that's because I've got a close friend who gives me a lot of mothering and affection that I need. It doesn't feel gay with her, but because of my relationship with her, I don't seek mothering from everyone else anymore.
I can see my growth, and I am excited for everything else God wants to do in me. I will not let anyone else make me feel inferior, small or gay.
Then I think back to last year and how erratic I acted when a so-called friend of mine took off with my car, stayed gone for an hour and a half, and then proceeded to tell me the biggest whopper in the world reguarding the disappearance of the 40 dollars in my purse. I think about how I didn't tithe, spent my money recklessly, kept my room in a mess. I didn't do a quiet time. I tried to do everything in my own strength. I still carried a lot of anger over my dad and what happened in Americorps.
I also think back to when I smoked. I didn't smoke my first cigarette until age 23, and I really didn't start smoking full time until Americorps, and then I smoked for a year and a half after that. Last March when I went on a spring break trip with Sadelina was my first big break from cigarettes. I went 9 days without one, and since then have been cutting down. I think it's been a couple months since my last cigarette. I still have urges to smoke, especially watching everyone around me. One thing that helps me stay away from cigarettes is singing. I got back into the oratorio last may and have spent a full season back in. I sing soprano I, and I need every inch of my voice to hit those pesky high notes.
I can honestly say that I feel better about myself. I dress better, I wear makeup more often. I'm eating better, and exploring new ways of exercise and stretching. I try to have some sort of a quiet time with God everyday. I don't gratify myself as often as I used to, and I give myself grace when those urges come. I don't feel same sex urges so much anymore. I think that's because I've got a close friend who gives me a lot of mothering and affection that I need. It doesn't feel gay with her, but because of my relationship with her, I don't seek mothering from everyone else anymore.
I can see my growth, and I am excited for everything else God wants to do in me. I will not let anyone else make me feel inferior, small or gay.
Friday, February 18, 2011
I got a 69 on my test. Kinda mad at myself. I thought I knew chapter 3 better than this.
Things are going mostly well. I'm enjoying school and church, and trying to be able to move out on my own and be independent of my mom. Chris is living with us. He is starting to see all the crap I put up with and why I want to leave. It's like mom has almost given up on life. I know it wasn't right the way Becky did her, but that's almost five years ago...I wish my mom would get some initiative and start caring about things again.
I am learning more about the person I want to be and the person I'm becoming. They are matching more and more.
Things are going mostly well. I'm enjoying school and church, and trying to be able to move out on my own and be independent of my mom. Chris is living with us. He is starting to see all the crap I put up with and why I want to leave. It's like mom has almost given up on life. I know it wasn't right the way Becky did her, but that's almost five years ago...I wish my mom would get some initiative and start caring about things again.
I am learning more about the person I want to be and the person I'm becoming. They are matching more and more.