Self-Discovery

I have made some discoveries about myself....

The first: I really need sleep. Maybe I need more sleep than the average Jane, I don't know. But, when I don't sleep well, I can't function well. Sleeping well and enough does wonders for my day. At least 7 hours, but probably closer to 8.

The second: I engage in sexual behavior (self) to get rid of strong emotions or to meet my needs for affection and love. Sometimes I do sexual things because I'm sexually aroused, which as a 27 year old single person, I give myself grace. But, more often than not, I'm not sexually aroused or even feeling sexual. I'm feeling a strong emotion that I don't know how to deal with. Or, I have had a crappy day and I just need someone to hold me, kiss me, wrap their arms around me, and tell me that I'm doing just fine, that things will work out, that I am moving forward and doing right in life. Sometimes while being sexual I will express the emotion, but ususally I go to a different place, get my release, and then the emotion is forgotten, temporarily. Bottom line: there is nothing wrong with sexual release if I am genuinely feeling sexual. I still need to moderate it, but I refuse to feel guilty if I'm doing it because I'm feeling sexual. However, I need to stop engaging in sexual behavior to get rid of emotions I don't know how to deal with. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions, but I'm not sure how. I'm also not sure how to get my needs for affection and love met. I don't want to be too huggy with my friends, I don't want a boyfriend, and I don't live with my mom anymore. But even if I did, I wouldn't feel comfortable with her meeting that need. I feel more comfortable with feeling horny or sexual than I do with feeling angry, sad, hurt, not loved, not pretty, stressed. I actually hate emotions and wish I didn't have them sometimes. I really have no use for emotions in my life. Logic is so much more attractive and easier!

God, I'm really struggling with cynicality and resentment. I don't not like her. I do not like how she has shafted me in leadership, how fake she is, and how snobby she is. I really do not like her. I feel like she rejected me and went with people that are easier to deal with that make her look good. Her email about a certain person angered me. I need to work on this resentment towards her. I know that she isn't the one in control, God is the one in control. I also know that resentment towards a certain person can eat you alive inside. I think I wanted her approval for so long and now I realize it's not coming. What can I say, I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I'm sorry.

God, forgive me for my resentment and anger. Help me to seek approval from you and no one else. Help me to treat her with respect but to love her from a distance. Thank you.

ok, I think it's time for another grateful list. I'm supposed to be up in six hours and I can't sleep. I think I'm angry and resentful and fearful. So, before I explore or explain why, I am going to list things I'm grateful for:

money to pay my rent

long bike ride today

memoral day party

get to work with my teacher this summer

I have no STDS, and it's not possible for me to be pregnant (immaculate conception people!)

my apartment

my life can be different than my mom's

I can overcome

there is potential for me

God has good things for me

there is a reason why I am here

the special needs ministry

car care clinic

my asthma medicine

nice weather

my salvation

-God understands me and knows me, even though it seems I understand as much about him as the average person understands calculus

-even though N. can't see my potential for leadership, someone else can

-God sees everything and will punish those who do dirty, so I must make sure my dealings are right

God is a protector of those who need protection

God will help me when I go get this ticket taken care of tomorrow

my height

my singing voice

I recorded a CD!

God has a plan for my mom

God has my mom's wellbeing in mind

God will keep my mom safe

God will help my mom lose weight

God will help my mom work on her issues

God will help me work on my issues

God knows the plans he has for me, and they are to prosper, not to harm, to give me hope and a future.

God knows my exact emotional makeup

God knows what I need and is willing and able to provide it

God is in charge,even when I'm not surrendered to him

God knows exactly what is right for our nation and for the world

God sees the suffering of those who want

God sees the mourning, the poor in spirit, the obedient, the overlooked, the underpaid, and the unappreciated.

God, I have faith that you are working all things out for my good and the good of those around me. I ask forgiveness for not being surrendered to you. Help me to make you Lord, Master, everything. Help me to look to Jesus when I need emotional fulfillment, not to Angie, Candace, or any other female friend. Please fix whatever it is in me that won't allow me to be in a relationship with a guy. However, if it's not for me to be in arelationship with a guy, please help me to be content and to love life and how you created it. Forgive me for my anger, resentment, and ungratefulness towards N. Lord. I know you are working on her too, just like you work on all of us, and I know she is human and makes mistakes. Help me Lord to see her the way you see her and to not hate her or be resentful towards her. And Lord, help me to not be resentful whenever I see angie's gold nametag but to be proud of her for being in leadership. Help me to not be jealous or resentful of her, and help me not to judge her actions. In fact, I need forgiveness for that right now. Help me to forgive Angie for leaving me hanging on Sunday to watch Zach all day long. I know Lord that you wanted me to be there, and so I am grateful for the experience. help me to not have a sense of entitlement in this situation, but allow me to be used where you need me to be used. Please give us all the wisdom to work with Zach, to reach him, and so that he will know God. I know you have more for him then sitting in the library watching Vegetales...Lord, help everyone to meet their commitments, so that the job of watching Zach doesn't fall on just one person. Help me to have the strength to watch him. Help me to treat him right and to not be mean or resentful.

Help me to not be resentful of male female dating relationships. I know you have a plan for me in this, and so I will try to be content with whatever you have.

One simple kiss...

It's amazing how one simple kiss can turn a person's thought processes around. Earlier as I left you and I shared a brief kiss, as we always do. I ran back to grab another quick kiss, then I left. I spent time with another friend at Wendy's, went home, called my mom, and got in an inner turmoil, as I often do nowadays when dealing with my mom. I'm supposed to visit my mom tomorrow, and I want to visit my mom tomorrow as it has been a couple of weeks. But, I need some money and a few groceries, and I feel guilty for that. And, I heard Chris screaming at the dogs over the phone and I instantly felt panicked on the inside, and a sense of dread. He hasn't been in a pleasant mood the last few times I have visited. Mom says he's moody and that's just who he is, but I detect a real resentment because I moved out. Or maybe it's a guilty conscience. Maybe I feel guilty because I moved out, and I left my mom there in the health she is in, and I still need help. But, she made the choices to get herself there, and Chris made the choice to move in and stay there. He doesn't work or go to school, and he lives there for free. I had to get out. I was going crazy, having panic attacks, and it was having a serious effect on my life. Anyway, I have no responsibility to Chris. I have to remember that just because my mom says he's family doesn't mean he is to me. I feel guilty for saying and feeling that, but I think that's the only way I can get over it when he is angry or whenever I feel the tension in the air. And then my mom asked me if I could take my grandmother to Decoration, which is the first Sunday in June. I wouldn't have a problem taking her, except for a few reasons:

1. That's just ten days away.

2. I work Sunday evenings so I will need to ask off or call in.

3. It's a two hour drive, and you know how gas is.

4. I will need reimbursment for gas

5. I'm not even 100% sure if my grandmother wants to go, and I have a serious problem with rearranging my work schedule to take my grandmother to an event if she doesn't want to go or is sick and doesn't feel like it. And there is no guarantee that she will even feel well enough that day.

So yeah, needless to say I was pretty stressed over that phone call. Not the best way to end an evening. And then, I remember you, and the kisses we shared, and the number of times we have kissed in your car, and the times we have kissed goodnight while lying next to each other in your king sized bed, and I feel a sense of calm. I feel a sense of peace. There is nothing sexual, no demands, no nothing. I remember your scent, which is a combination of your laundry soap, perfume, shampoo and body lotion rolled into one, and my shoulders relax. I remember the deep contralto of your voice, made that way partly from genetics (and then partly from your former pack habit) and I feel tranquil.

You help me relax. You help me breathe. You help me in so many ways. I fear depending on this too much because it won't always be there, and I don't want to expect kisses and hugs when you may not always feel like giving those. And, I don't want to love you just because of your kisses and hugs, or because I can call you mama, even though I look nothing like you and I didn't meet you till age 26.. I want to love you because you Are. You exist. God created you, and because of that, you matter. I want my love for you to have no limits, to be pure, holy, and to strengthen you as it does me.

Thank you for the kisses, the hugs, the love, the being responsible and letting me be the younger one. Thank you!

I am at 48 percent on the mother of all packet tracers!! Yay! and I talked to the counselar here and I feel loads better.

My grateful list

the 48 percent
I can work here at my school in June
cheeseburgers
oatmeal
apples
church tonight
Angie's kisses

Why do I feel so guilty for moving out? I had to do it. It was driving me crazy to live there. I hate waiting on my mom hand and foot and being responsible for all the housework. I feel bad that Chris is doing it now but he chose that. Living there I was stressed out and angry all the time. I hated watching my mom kill herself through smoking, isolating herself, and poor eating habits.

My heart aches for my mom. My heart aches for the mom I used to have. I wish she made better choices. I wish she understood that I still love her. But I had to get out. I worry that I will make the same mistakes as Chris and be back to where I started, but, I have things going for me that Chris didn't have.

I feel like there's a sickness in my family, especially in my mom. I have to break this sickness. I have to get well and heal from the dysfunction. I look at the women in my life, from Angie and CAndace, to my instructor Mrs. Winn, and I realize they each have traits that I want to cultivate in myself. I still want to be me and be like me, but they are my role models. I wish my mom was my role model.

relief

I say relief because I got an 85 on my a+ final and a 90 on my chapter 7 test. I was stressing about those last night, and I didn't get home from work until almost 10:30 so I didn't have much time to go over those.

I am pleased that I worked almost 11 hours yesterday. That means I got 18 hours this past weekend. I will have more money to pay my bills and do other stuff. That feels good to me to be semi-self sufficient. My goal is to get to the point to where I don't need my mom's help for anything. My feet are really sore, and my back and legs were really sore earlier. I need to get ankle braces or something to keep my ankles and feet stable. I can't afford motion control shoes and even if I could I can't find any that are black and non slip. Maybe there's some non slip things I can put on the soles?

I felt sad earlier today. My mom texted me earlier today and told me that she wished I was coming to Bristow to help her run errands since she can barely walk. I felt bad. I felt like a bad daughter. But the thing is, she needs to walk. She needs to exercise. She needs to get out and be around people again. I feel like I'm not doing her any favors by doing that. I feel bad for her, but at the same time I feel like it's her fault for letting herself get so heavy.