I really want to start posting on here more regularly. And, I need to update some stuff on my profile. It's amazing how much has changed in my life over the past year. I've gone from being anti-marriage to can't wait to be married. I used to care so much about what others thought. Now I don't care so much anymore. I'm living for me. However, in the process, I need to figure out how that translates into living for God. I know one thing. I will not live my life for the approval of other women in my church anymore. Because really, they are not my friends. They are my aquaintances. They hardly ever call me or text me. In fact, I have to do most of the work. And, that is fine, but, I'm not going to worry if one of my decisions displeases any of them anymore. I do what's easiest for me, and what's right for me. 

In other news, I've been sick for 3 weeks straight. What started as a sore throat has turned into bronchitis and I feel like an elephant is on my chest. It makes it hard to think, get stuff done, be at a heart level, or do anything pathways related. Not to mention start packing my stuff to move. Hopefully these antibiotics will start packing a punch soon.

Otherwise I'm doing okay. I really like who I am at this time in my life. I'm getting married in 2 months and 4 days. So hard to believe!

My life has changed dramatically since my last post. Where should I start?

Well for starters, I got my CCNA on March 30th. I got an 881, and I finished the test in 40 minutes, no small thanks in part because of those HOW2Pass exams I took. I ended up rescheduling it twice. Once because I didn't feel ready and once because I was sick as a dog.

I'm still living in my apartment and working at the grill. My work study job at Tulsa Tech ended at the end of the previous school year. I miss the extra money, but I don't miss the work. It got kinda boring, and it got to where I didn't like working with Mrs. Winn.

I'm in a new class this year, Network Systems Administration. It's a lot different from CCNP. Mr Simmons is a much better teacher. I like Mr. Griffin, but, he pretty much left us to our own devices last year. True, I had enough time to study and re study so I could pass my CCNA, but other than that I didn't do much. In NSA I am learning loads. However, Mr Simmons is way stricter on attendance. If you are late you get penalized. Because of that, it dropped one of my grades down to a B. And, I had to miss two days of school earlier this week because of illness. NOT GOOD!

I'm going to be spending the next few weeks doing a lot of makeup time so that I can be at 90 percent attendance.

Thomas and I are engaged. More on that later.

I'm sick

I'm sick, and it's a week before my CCNA exam! EEEEEKKK! I got sick just a few weeks ago and was out for a whole week. Now I am armed with antibiotics and hoping and praying that I will feel well enough to at least go to church tomorrow and go to school and work the next day.

I am now seeing a guy named Thomas. We've been together a little over six months. He's cool. I'm

happy. Except I'm a little worried about how pleasing our relationship is to God. And, I'm not sure if I want to marry anyone.

Crap that annoys me

Ok, I am really really freaking annoyed. As a liberal in a state full of conservatives I feel out of sorts sometimes. I don't use my religion as an excuse for everything, and I am aware that there are different situatio

Peeling back the onion

Perhaps this issue has been staring me in the face, but I struggle with emotional dependency. I view another person's love and affirmation as pivotal in my security, my sense of self, and my life. I need to stop this. This isn't the right way to live. Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like dying when Angie and I don't talk? Why do I feel like the world is going to end when I don't get that hug, that affirmation, that thing I need? Why do I stay away from women that I can't emotionally connect to? What is the root issue? I recognize patterns like this in my life....Throughout my school years I have always had one female best friend that I connected to the whole year. I really didn't have other friends besides that person.

I feel like the other women and men at CR and church avoid me for this reason....

I am glad I have something to work on for this step study. I just wish this issue was something that went away quickly. But it doesn't. This is probably a lifelong issue for me. Am I always going to feel the hurt from my mom and grandmas? Am I always going to feel like something is missing? How do people get that unmet need from Jesus? You can't see him. He doesn't talk audibly. He speaks really subtlely.

I've decided to quit McDonalds and go to work at the golf course grill. There's a lot of people there who I don't get along with, and I don't like the sexually harrassing things my manager says to me. Plus, I need a change of scenery, and I need to get home earlier than I have been. I may have to forego morning church attendance in the fall, but my church has some stuff in the evening. I just need to get out of there.

I've also become more sensitive to homophobia. I really hate words like faggot. I'm sorry, but unless one has struggled with those feelings of being attracted to the same sex, you have NO idea what it's like. As a person who has struggled, and continues to struggle, it is not a choice! Maybe it's a choice to do things, but I definately didn't wake up and say I wanted to be attracted to women. Everyday I have to fight my tendencies, and it gets rough! I doubt I will ever be able to have a relationship with a guy like other girls, but I will die trying! There's just an emotional component that I can't experience with guys. I cannot look to a guy for my emotional fulfillment. Kissing and touching and cuddling feels mechanical. It always has. But my feelings for women are warm, flowing......I can't explain it. I wish I could have a life partner who I could really feel comfortable with. I hope these pesky same-sex feelings go away.

But meanwhile, I hope homophobia goes away too. I think religion does more harm than good in some ways, because it makes people feel superior. We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We all have a blot on ourselves that needs to be erased. I don't know why people think it's okay to hate others, to say bad things about others, and to assert their superiority. No one is superior to anyone else.

Feelings hurt

I've realized when my feelings get hurt or whenever I feel rejected I get really angry on the inside and I adopt an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. I just went to a recruitment meeting for BPA and had to listen to people talk about their great experience in BPA, while the other students in the