I've decided to quit McDonalds and go to work at the golf course grill. There's a lot of people there who I don't get along with, and I don't like the sexually harrassing things my manager says to me. Plus, I need a change of scenery, and I need to get home earlier than I have been. I may have to forego morning church attendance in the fall, but my church has some stuff in the evening. I just need to get out of there.

I've also become more sensitive to homophobia. I really hate words like faggot. I'm sorry, but unless one has struggled with those feelings of being attracted to the same sex, you have NO idea what it's like. As a person who has struggled, and continues to struggle, it is not a choice! Maybe it's a choice to do things, but I definately didn't wake up and say I wanted to be attracted to women. Everyday I have to fight my tendencies, and it gets rough! I doubt I will ever be able to have a relationship with a guy like other girls, but I will die trying! There's just an emotional component that I can't experience with guys. I cannot look to a guy for my emotional fulfillment. Kissing and touching and cuddling feels mechanical. It always has. But my feelings for women are warm, flowing......I can't explain it. I wish I could have a life partner who I could really feel comfortable with. I hope these pesky same-sex feelings go away.

But meanwhile, I hope homophobia goes away too. I think religion does more harm than good in some ways, because it makes people feel superior. We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. We all have a blot on ourselves that needs to be erased. I don't know why people think it's okay to hate others, to say bad things about others, and to assert their superiority. No one is superior to anyone else.

Feelings hurt

I've realized when my feelings get hurt or whenever I feel rejected I get really angry on the inside and I adopt an "I don't give a fuck" attitude. I just went to a recruitment meeting for BPA and had to listen to people talk about their great experience in BPA, while the other students in the

Waiting

It's the third day of school and I think everything is going well. I like Griff, I'm next door to Mrs. Winn, and a lot of the same people that were here last year are still here this year. I was afraid that so much would change. It cheers me to see that not as much as changed.

However, something has shifted in me, and that's my reasons for waiting. It really bothers me that so many Christians talk about wanting a biblical marriage, when really, most of the marriages in the bible are polygamous (sp?). It talks about sexual immorality, and it mentions adultery, but after some biblical research, I think that the definition of fornication is skewed. Also, when talking about waiting for marriage, I don't think God intended people to wait for sex until their late 20's. There is a reason why most of us are capable of reproduction by age 15. And, I don't think it has a lick to do with God wanting us to exercise self-control, as some of my more conservative friends want to believe.

Anyway, I really want to have sex. I'm sure most people in my situation do. However, I'm not just trying to find loopholes in the whole waiting for marriage argument. I want to find an honest reason as to why people want to wait and use the bible for an argument, and what would happen if I didn't wait. How would I change on the inside? I think also, I've experienced so much of sex, that really, my virginity is nothing more than a technicality. I don't want to get too graphic here, but really, how would sex be different than anything I've already done or currently do?

But, I've been abstaining mostly because I've been afraid of what would happen if I had sex, and I'm also afraid of losing the love of people close to me. I want people to love me and care for me, and I'm afraid I would be cast out if I had sex. I'm also afraid that I would become a drastically different person, or that suddenly I would want to sleep with everyone (wait, I already want to do that).

I feel guilty because a part of me is okay with having sex with no real love connection. I know sex has a huge emotional and spiritual component, and I want to exercise prudence with that. But, as a female with Asperger's Syndrome I feel that I'm disconnected from my emotions. Would i feel a thing? I don't know..

End of Sumner Update

Well my first summer in my new place has gone by without too many mishaps, and I start school in three weeks. I am feeling somewhat stressed today and I can't put my finger on it. I think I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with life, and I feel like my life is about to get busier. I like being busy, but I need to manage my time better and get to bed earlier.

I've been worried about the whole debt ceiling thing, and it angers me that politicians want to cut from our most vulnerable citizens, yet extend tax breaks to rich assholes who don't need it. This has put me at odds with some people in my church, at least internally. I am, by definition, a liberal. I wish this war would stop and our country's money would go where it needs to go. I feel we had no business getting into a war like this, and in my opinion, other than Bin Laden and Hussein, we have made no progress other than killing off 4000 of our young people and plunging our country into a debt so deep we may never get out. I feel like Republican politicans, by nature, don't care about the common working man but instead want the bottom 90 percent to pay. Yes, the top 2 percent of income earners pay 38 percent in federal income taxes, but, all the other taxes are paid by the bottom 90 percent, and many of the rich pay no taxes at all. When they get back all their money from the tax loopholes, it just about evens out for them.

I am not against wealth, but I am against wealth when it's at someone else's expense. I guess I'm a little bit of a communist or socialist because it bothers me that there are some people who live in yachts bigger than all the places I've lived in put together and then there are people who work every day and still are poor. Yes, there are people who abuse the system, but many people don't. I wish everyone could be poor for a week.

I worry for my future. I worry there will be no jobs when I get done with school and I will be screwed again. 8.00 an hour is not a living, sustainable wage. I know I shouldn't fear, I know that God takes care of his people. But, sometimes I doubt my faith in God. I know he exists, and I know he loves me, but there are times I can't hear him.

I don't want to be like those other Christians who are bible thumping and who exert their superiority around "sinners" but who don't really care about those who really need it. I want to be a person who truly loves, cares and puts others first. I want to be inclusive and open.

And honestly, I think we are all in for a big surprise. I don't think the end of the world is going to happen anything like we think it will.

End of Sumner Update

Self-Discovery

I have made some discoveries about myself....

The first: I really need sleep. Maybe I need more sleep than the average Jane, I don't know. But, when I don't sleep well, I can't function well. Sleeping well and enough does wonders for my day. At least 7 hours, but probably closer to 8.

The second: I engage in sexual behavior (self) to get rid of strong emotions or to meet my needs for affection and love. Sometimes I do sexual things because I'm sexually aroused, which as a 27 year old single person, I give myself grace. But, more often than not, I'm not sexually aroused or even feeling sexual. I'm feeling a strong emotion that I don't know how to deal with. Or, I have had a crappy day and I just need someone to hold me, kiss me, wrap their arms around me, and tell me that I'm doing just fine, that things will work out, that I am moving forward and doing right in life. Sometimes while being sexual I will express the emotion, but ususally I go to a different place, get my release, and then the emotion is forgotten, temporarily. Bottom line: there is nothing wrong with sexual release if I am genuinely feeling sexual. I still need to moderate it, but I refuse to feel guilty if I'm doing it because I'm feeling sexual. However, I need to stop engaging in sexual behavior to get rid of emotions I don't know how to deal with. I need to learn how to deal with my emotions, but I'm not sure how. I'm also not sure how to get my needs for affection and love met. I don't want to be too huggy with my friends, I don't want a boyfriend, and I don't live with my mom anymore. But even if I did, I wouldn't feel comfortable with her meeting that need. I feel more comfortable with feeling horny or sexual than I do with feeling angry, sad, hurt, not loved, not pretty, stressed. I actually hate emotions and wish I didn't have them sometimes. I really have no use for emotions in my life. Logic is so much more attractive and easier!

God, I'm really struggling with cynicality and resentment. I don't not like her. I do not like how she has shafted me in leadership, how fake she is, and how snobby she is. I really do not like her. I feel like she rejected me and went with people that are easier to deal with that make her look good. Her email about a certain person angered me. I need to work on this resentment towards her. I know that she isn't the one in control, God is the one in control. I also know that resentment towards a certain person can eat you alive inside. I think I wanted her approval for so long and now I realize it's not coming. What can I say, I'm not the easiest person to deal with. I'm sorry.

God, forgive me for my resentment and anger. Help me to seek approval from you and no one else. Help me to treat her with respect but to love her from a distance. Thank you.