another day

Yesterday my sponsor said something encouraging, that I had grown so much in the last year. She said that people could see my growth and that they come up to her and talk to her about it. What exactly constitutes growth? I'm not fishing for complements, but I sometimes wonder if my perceived growth really isn't other people changing and growing and allowing their hearts to accomidate one more person.

Then I think back to last year and how erratic I acted when a so-called friend of mine took off with my car, stayed gone for an hour and a half, and then proceeded to tell me the biggest whopper in the world reguarding the disappearance of the 40 dollars in my purse. I think about how I didn't tithe, spent my money recklessly, kept my room in a mess. I didn't do a quiet time. I tried to do everything in my own strength. I still carried a lot of anger over my dad and what happened in Americorps.

I also think back to when I smoked. I didn't smoke my first cigarette until age 23, and I really didn't start smoking full time until Americorps, and then I smoked for a year and a half after that. Last March when I went on a spring break trip with Sadelina was my first big break from cigarettes. I went 9 days without one, and since then have been cutting down. I think it's been a couple months since my last cigarette. I still have urges to smoke, especially watching everyone around me. One thing that helps me stay away from cigarettes is singing. I got back into the oratorio last may and have spent a full season back in. I sing soprano I, and I need every inch of my voice to hit those pesky high notes.

I can honestly say that I feel better about myself. I dress better, I wear makeup more often. I'm eating better, and exploring new ways of exercise and stretching. I try to have some sort of a quiet time with God everyday. I don't gratify myself as often as I used to, and I give myself grace when those urges come. I don't feel same sex urges so much anymore. I think that's because I've got a close friend who gives me a lot of mothering and affection that I need. It doesn't feel gay with her, but because of my relationship with her, I don't seek mothering from everyone else anymore.

I can see my growth, and I am excited for everything else God wants to do in me. I will not let anyone else make me feel inferior, small or gay.

I got a 69 on my test. Kinda mad at myself. I thought I knew chapter 3 better than this.

Things are going mostly well. I'm enjoying school and church, and trying to be able to move out on my own and be independent of my mom. Chris is living with us. He is starting to see all the crap I put up with and why I want to leave. It's like mom has almost given up on life. I know it wasn't right the way Becky did her, but that's almost five years ago...I wish my mom would get some initiative and start caring about things again.

I am learning more about the person I want to be and the person I'm becoming. They are matching more and more.

Something isn't right

Something doesn't feel right today. I am getting ready to leave to go have ice cream with my sponsor, who I love very much, and yet, I feel angry and depressed. I just had a birthday and a lot of people gave me nice birthday wishes, whether by phone, in person, or by facebook. But I still feel angry and depressed.

I think I'm angry at my mom for being her usual self, and then I'm angry at myself because I feel like a failure at 27. I have to take a lot of her crap and it irritates me. I'm also worried because I have this big ass study guide to do. God, help me to manage my time, do what needs to be done, and deal with my mom. Amen.

I hope no one is reading this

gosh I hope no one is reading this because I really hate myself today and I feel like an immense failure. I wish I could die like the phoenix in harry potter and then be reborn totally and start my life over as new person with new thoughts, feelings, interests. I'd give anything to not be me right now. Gosh, I wish I wasn't such a failure and a second rate person. I wish that the earth would swallow me up.

Things I Hate

Ok, it is bitch/gripe/PMS time. There are a lot of things I hate today.

I like my teacher for CCNA, but I hate it when she tells me to ask my classmates for help. See, I don't want to tell her this, but a great majority of my classmates goof off and are really loud. And when I ask who has something done none of them respond. She is my only help right now and a few of these labs have things in them that are hard for me to understand. It's difficult for me to take conceptual knowledge and put it into practice. I wonder if that's hard for everyone. Anyway, I am going to ask her again later today and I am going to explain to her what's going on.

I also hate it when my mom asks me to come home right after class, especially on a wednesday. I have church wednesday evening and typically I work in the church office from 1:30 to 5. I hate driving back home and coming back to church. To me that wastes gas. I told my mom earlier that I couldn't do that because I have a meeting today and DO YOU THINK SHE LISTENED TO ME!!!?? SHE ASKED ME AGAIN!!! I TOLD HER NO. AND NO, I'm not going to because of the meeting I have today, but man, could anyone have a thicker skull? She wants me to drive all the way home today to change a freakin lightbulb? I know it's just to spend time with me but dammit, I don't want to spend time with her. I'm trying to get away from her. She needs to get a life and her own friends and stop depending on me for everything. Man, Becky breaking up with my mom destroyed my mom. She isolates, never talks to anyone, and yet, sends me to the store for her all the freakin time. I am so glad I am looking for a job and that I have possible housing options. I want out!!!!!

I also hate it when people tell me I'm so smart. Yeah, I know I'm smart, I don't need you freaking telling me that!!! More to come.....

These are a few of my favorite things

Mr Goodbars
Symphony Toffee
butterfinger cappuchino
the color red
the key of G
subnetting the easy way
singing
singing with friends
singing with friends who can actually sing and harmonize
teaching people stuff
letting people into my world and it being a successful trip for them
hugs from really good friends
sleeping over at a friends house
making progress in anything
Libera
Enya
Bagel Bites
cheeseburgers with ketchup, mustard and bacon
Coca Cola
release
walking down riverside
independence
deeper voices
pretty sounds
feeling important
doing things the right way the first time
advancing
knowing I am socializing well
phone calls on the way home
lifting weights
bracelets
one on one conversations
helping without being codependent
kisses
driving
getting out of the house
scrabble
saying hello to people
building bridges
finding common ground
repetitive activity
music I can immerse myself in
swings
understanding and being understood
making good choices
getting sweaty and dirty then getting clean again
church
God
my bibles
Easy to understand sermons
work that I enjoy
coming home and not having to cook
knowing that I am irreplacible
feeling normal
the idea that I can live independently
roller coasters
making people laugh
my friends
my sponsor

I'm not sure what motivated me to put such a list on here. I guess because I am feeling a little tense and tight in the shoulders (or was) and making such a list has helped me to feel loads better. I have a lot to do this week and a meeting tomorrow of which I am very anxious. My partial is also messed up and I'm afraid I will have to go in the meeting tomorrow snaggletoothed.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a few of the people in my class and I ended up telling them that I'm waiting for marriage. I think the conversation got a little bit innapropriate, but they really seem to respect my views. Not too many almost 27 year olds still wait these days.
I have to remember that waiting doesn't make me childish and not waiting doesn't make me grown up.

I'm working on surrender lately. I have a good friend who pointed out that it seems like I am running my life. I am. I think I'm afraid to let God run it. And also, I wasn't sure until yesterday how to let God run my life, or signs that I'm the one taking control. She used tomorrow's meeting as an example. When I start going over what I'm going to say or what I think this person's going to say, or how I'm going to act or react, I'm taking control. The best thing to do is to sit back and let God handle it. It's hard for me not to worry. One of my shortcomings is obsessive thinking. Man, I wonder what God thinks of me!

Birthday in six days!

too tired to post much here but just want to say that I will be 27 in six days!