I hope no one is reading this

gosh I hope no one is reading this because I really hate myself today and I feel like an immense failure. I wish I could die like the phoenix in harry potter and then be reborn totally and start my life over as new person with new thoughts, feelings, interests. I'd give anything to not be me right now. Gosh, I wish I wasn't such a failure and a second rate person. I wish that the earth would swallow me up.

Things I Hate

Ok, it is bitch/gripe/PMS time. There are a lot of things I hate today.

I like my teacher for CCNA, but I hate it when she tells me to ask my classmates for help. See, I don't want to tell her this, but a great majority of my classmates goof off and are really loud. And when I ask who has something done none of them respond. She is my only help right now and a few of these labs have things in them that are hard for me to understand. It's difficult for me to take conceptual knowledge and put it into practice. I wonder if that's hard for everyone. Anyway, I am going to ask her again later today and I am going to explain to her what's going on.

I also hate it when my mom asks me to come home right after class, especially on a wednesday. I have church wednesday evening and typically I work in the church office from 1:30 to 5. I hate driving back home and coming back to church. To me that wastes gas. I told my mom earlier that I couldn't do that because I have a meeting today and DO YOU THINK SHE LISTENED TO ME!!!?? SHE ASKED ME AGAIN!!! I TOLD HER NO. AND NO, I'm not going to because of the meeting I have today, but man, could anyone have a thicker skull? She wants me to drive all the way home today to change a freakin lightbulb? I know it's just to spend time with me but dammit, I don't want to spend time with her. I'm trying to get away from her. She needs to get a life and her own friends and stop depending on me for everything. Man, Becky breaking up with my mom destroyed my mom. She isolates, never talks to anyone, and yet, sends me to the store for her all the freakin time. I am so glad I am looking for a job and that I have possible housing options. I want out!!!!!

I also hate it when people tell me I'm so smart. Yeah, I know I'm smart, I don't need you freaking telling me that!!! More to come.....

These are a few of my favorite things

Mr Goodbars
Symphony Toffee
butterfinger cappuchino
the color red
the key of G
subnetting the easy way
singing
singing with friends
singing with friends who can actually sing and harmonize
teaching people stuff
letting people into my world and it being a successful trip for them
hugs from really good friends
sleeping over at a friends house
making progress in anything
Libera
Enya
Bagel Bites
cheeseburgers with ketchup, mustard and bacon
Coca Cola
release
walking down riverside
independence
deeper voices
pretty sounds
feeling important
doing things the right way the first time
advancing
knowing I am socializing well
phone calls on the way home
lifting weights
bracelets
one on one conversations
helping without being codependent
kisses
driving
getting out of the house
scrabble
saying hello to people
building bridges
finding common ground
repetitive activity
music I can immerse myself in
swings
understanding and being understood
making good choices
getting sweaty and dirty then getting clean again
church
God
my bibles
Easy to understand sermons
work that I enjoy
coming home and not having to cook
knowing that I am irreplacible
feeling normal
the idea that I can live independently
roller coasters
making people laugh
my friends
my sponsor

I'm not sure what motivated me to put such a list on here. I guess because I am feeling a little tense and tight in the shoulders (or was) and making such a list has helped me to feel loads better. I have a lot to do this week and a meeting tomorrow of which I am very anxious. My partial is also messed up and I'm afraid I will have to go in the meeting tomorrow snaggletoothed.

Yesterday I had a conversation with a few of the people in my class and I ended up telling them that I'm waiting for marriage. I think the conversation got a little bit innapropriate, but they really seem to respect my views. Not too many almost 27 year olds still wait these days.
I have to remember that waiting doesn't make me childish and not waiting doesn't make me grown up.

I'm working on surrender lately. I have a good friend who pointed out that it seems like I am running my life. I am. I think I'm afraid to let God run it. And also, I wasn't sure until yesterday how to let God run my life, or signs that I'm the one taking control. She used tomorrow's meeting as an example. When I start going over what I'm going to say or what I think this person's going to say, or how I'm going to act or react, I'm taking control. The best thing to do is to sit back and let God handle it. It's hard for me not to worry. One of my shortcomings is obsessive thinking. Man, I wonder what God thinks of me!

Birthday in six days!

too tired to post much here but just want to say that I will be 27 in six days!

untitled

I had my meeting with my friend on monday and we are going to continue to meet weekly. I rode with her while she ran a couple errands for work and then we went to sonic and I bought us some stuff. I know I have a problem with surrender. I want to run my life; I don't want God or anyone else running it, and I know that's a problem. In fact, that may be the source of all the problems in my life. I don't want God to have control because I'm afraid of what's going to happen. I'm afraid that I will be forced to do things that I don't want to do that won't be good for me. I am going to read a chapter a week in Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren and try to do a passage a night in this single's book that my friend got me. I am also trying to learn more about the 49 commands of Christ. For a long time I have heard scriptures talking about keeping Christ's commands, but I never knew exactly what the commands were until I went to the Basic Life Principles seminar in March. But now I have printed them off and have decided to study those. Even though it's good to go in order I started with command 16, Do not cast pearls. The scripture that corresponds with that is Matthew 7:6 and the character trait is discretion. I always thought that was talking about giving my virginity to the wrong person, but my friend enlightened me by saying that I need to be careful about who I give my time and energy to and who I devote my passions to. I shouldn't give of myself to anyone who isn't ready to receive it with a willing heart. She used an ex boyfriend as an example of that, saying how he came back into her life and she wanted to show him everything good that had happened to her and how much God had done in her, but really he just wanted to manipulate her. That's a good thing to consider.

I came home yesterday because my mom asked me to. I feel guilty for saying this, but I believe I could go a lot longer without seeing her than vice versa. I need to have more of a love and respect for my mom, and I know I am probably being disobediant to God for having a heart attitude like that. But I did come home yesterday. My brother and his friend were there still and his friend talks in this really loud scratchy voice. Mom didn't like me escaping to my room so I had to sit out there and listen to it. It made me feel really stressed out. Hearing a voice like that reminds me of all the yelling and the screaming I had to put up with.

Mom hasn't really thrown a fit for the past couple of nights, which is good. I am hoping that either she's happier that things are starting to get onboard for her weight loss surgery, or that she's getting used to her meds. Because, I had to endure her fits every night for a week or so straight and it really wore on me. She doesn't realize how much it hurts me when she yells and screams. I do it to her now, and I feel so guilty for that. I wish we could go to family counseling and get some of our issues out. There are some things I wish I could say to my mom, and there are some things I want to understand. I am angry that she has let herself get so fat that she can barely get around. I am angry that she struggles with breathing problems, yet continues to smoke. She has some Chantix and hasn't even looked at it. I am angry that she keeps drinking sugary drinks and eating sugary foods by the mounds. Other than getting herself ready for the surgery, she is doing nothing to help herself. Because of that, I get angry when she asks me to get her stuff and to put my stuff aside for her. Why should I make an effort to help if she isn't going to change? I know she is depressed still over Becky leaving her. I know that really hurt her. I also know that the cancer battle was hard on her. But, the cancer has past, and it's been four years since she and Becky broke up. She needs to get over it and move on. If I let myself stay angry at all the people that have done me wrong I would have committed murder by now. I was so angry last year about the girls in Americorps that sometimes I couldn't get to sleep at night. I imagined myself stabbing each one of them and burning their bodies. I realize now that it was all in God's plan, and that my best revenge is doing well for myself. Being angry and holding a grudge against someone feels okay for awhile because it's fun to imagine hurting the other person and making them pay. But in the end, the person who is paying is the person holding the grudge. God doesn't want our minds to be filled with hate and violence. That's not who he created us to be. Let him handle the violence and revenge.

One big area that I have had victory in is the area of having children. I am starting to give up the control of my life in that area. I have always been anti-procreation, partly because I doubt my ability to be a parent, partly because it has seemed kind of like slavery, and partly because I don't want to pass autism or asperger's on to my kids. Parenting a child on the spectrum is no easy task, and what would happen to my child when I was gone? Well, in talking to a friend a week and a half ago, I realized that there's a part of me that wants children someday. I had been thinking of getting my tubes tied or even getting a hysterectomy, but that has always seemed really final and kind of going against God. Well, my friend helped me to realize that a part of me wants to have my own kids, and that having all these walls up about it has caused a rift between God and I.

pulled

I feel pulled in many directions. I feel like I have to please everyone. I wish I was out of the house and that I had a really good paying job so that I wouldn't have to depend on my mom. Last night we purchased car insurance. My rate is higher now because I've had a wreck. My mom didn't want to pay 97 dollars a month for me so I had to put her name on the insurance so we could get a lower rate. I feel really guilty for doing this, like I'm a criminal or something.

I made plans for today to meet with a friend for lunch. I have to go to downtown to pick her up, and then we will go somewhere. Well, another friend texted me and wants to meet with me today, but today really isn't a good day. Because I don't have a lot of gas and I have to go to downtown already and this friend is over in East tulsa. I told her I would, but I am thinking of calling her and telling her no. My mom was like, why don't you come home for lunch today because Chris is here. I hate it when I have to drop my plans for anyone, and it's like, I have a busy life and I am not going to come home and just be at home just because my brother is here.

I feel like I have to please my mom because she gives me money. I don't want to always please her and do what she says because it doesn't always go with what's best for me. I can't always be sacrificing my sanity. But I have to give in sometimes and I hate it.

I am in school right now so I can get a better job. I pray this is something I can do! I still can't go to a regular college yet, but maybe if I can get my CCNA cert I can get a job at the end of the year making double digits. My dream is to have an apartment in south tulsa, a good job, see my mom maybe on the weekends, keep my place clean, and just be free. Be free to do what I want, when I want and to be responsible for myself.

update

I am coming to the end of my first nine weeks in school and I can honestly say it's turned out better than I expected. I still don't know everything, but I know more than I did nine weeks ago. I have built three small virtual networks. I have A's and B's on all my tests. And I can subnet. I thought subnetting was going to be hard, and it isn't. I also took my practice final today and without much help (we can use study guides and the book on our tests) I got a 77.5, which is pretty good.

I still haven't started my part of mine and P's project, and it's due next week! Yikes! I need to get on it! Part of my trouble is procrastination and then another part of it is that we have to base our project on questions from everyone in the class, and hardly anyone has turned in their questions.

I haven't applied for a workstudy job yet. I need a resume and I'm not sure what to put on it. I want to stay after school tomorrow and work on it.

I'm having a semi difficult time balancing my day and managing my time. Pray for me. More to come.